Words. No, Language.
Language is an amazing thing.
You can convey almost any meaning just by stringing together a few words in a way that another, or others can understand that same meaning.
Just a few simple words can hold an infinite amount of meaning. Concrete meaning, that everyone who understands the language will take away that same meaning. Implied meaning. Personal meaning. Intimate meaning. Multiple meanings.
What I've come to realize this last week, while dwelling on all of the shit-storm that is my mind (See, Anxiety...) is that words are one of my favourite things.
I know that sounds strange, but I'm going to try to explain what I mean.
Like I said, words can hold many meanings. Strings of words in a sentence, novel, text message, phone call, or face to face conversation. The meaning that one person is expressing can be understood or incorrectly understood by the other person or people. They can be misleading. They can be hurtful. They can express all of the love, kindness, and gratitude that a person can imagine.
The fact that a person can express themselves, and that words can hold so much meaning... It just warms me inside. It makes me feel connected... and for someone who often feel disconnected, lost, and alone, it's something amazing.
I guess I did learn a little bit form linguistics after all.
Monday, September 7, 2015
Friday, September 4, 2015
Take me somewhere far
This past week has been pretty stressful for me.
There's been a lot going on, between work, family, and friends... and of course my mind has to go and fuck with everything it can.
There's been a lot of family issues and personal issues that have been weighing on my mind lately. I'm worried about myself, and need to make a doctors appointment for a general check up, but I'm also worried about my mom. She's lost a lot of weight suddenly without trying, and that's scary to begin with. But when your boss (who is also my mom's boss) comes to talk to me about about how my mom has lost weight and hasn't been herself... that's concerning.
I'm relieved that she has finally made an doctors appointment for a few days from now... so hopefully they do some tests and figure out what is going on... cause it's pretty stressful not knowing if your mom is sick or not, and adding on how my mind likes to turn every possible thing bad, well that just makes me incredibly anxious about the whole situation.
Another thing I've been worried about... well not so much worried about, but it's been on my mind constantly, is what's going to happen academically for myself.
I keep thinking about how this is the first year that I'm not going back to school, and that I don't have a set plan... well that just makes everything worse.
I've been incredibly anxious, to the point of breaking down and spending a good hour crying and sobbing, about the things in my life this week. Things I really don't have control over.
It's been hard to sit and deal with this, especially since before today, I didn't tell anyone about how I was feeling.
But today, I confided in a good friend that the thoughts of not going back to school, and the uncertainty of my academic future are causing my a lot of stress and anxiety. Because she did not make me feel like an idiot for feeling this way, I then later confided in another friend about this anxiety.
We proceeded to talk about how much stress and anxiety that I've been feeling and how even for myself this is not normal. I've got to learn, once again, to deal with this. I can't let it build up again like it has this week. It's not fair to the people in my life to be treated like shit because I've been feeling stressed.
Tonight was a good night, in that I not only was able to confide in one of my best friends, but I spent the evening listening to some good music, and chatting and laughing and drinking. Even just venting and releasing that I'm anxious about the future, and that unplanned and uncertain things cause me to be anxious, have made a tremendous effect.
As afraid as I am to even start a conversation with my best friends (on account of feeling annoying or bothersome), I now feel comfortable coming to at least one person in my life with what's going on.
Which is huge for me, because he knows what I'm dealing with... and as long as he know what I'm dealing with, he knows at least a tiny but of my personal everyday struggle.
That's enough for me.
It's certainly been a week, with a lot of downs.
I just need to keep reminding myself to breath, look around, appreciate, and love.
No matter how hard it gets, I've been through worse, and I can get though even worse than that.
Love like no one cares.
Live as loud as possible.
Show the ones who you love, just how much they matter.
There's been a lot going on, between work, family, and friends... and of course my mind has to go and fuck with everything it can.
There's been a lot of family issues and personal issues that have been weighing on my mind lately. I'm worried about myself, and need to make a doctors appointment for a general check up, but I'm also worried about my mom. She's lost a lot of weight suddenly without trying, and that's scary to begin with. But when your boss (who is also my mom's boss) comes to talk to me about about how my mom has lost weight and hasn't been herself... that's concerning.
I'm relieved that she has finally made an doctors appointment for a few days from now... so hopefully they do some tests and figure out what is going on... cause it's pretty stressful not knowing if your mom is sick or not, and adding on how my mind likes to turn every possible thing bad, well that just makes me incredibly anxious about the whole situation.
Another thing I've been worried about... well not so much worried about, but it's been on my mind constantly, is what's going to happen academically for myself.
I keep thinking about how this is the first year that I'm not going back to school, and that I don't have a set plan... well that just makes everything worse.
I've been incredibly anxious, to the point of breaking down and spending a good hour crying and sobbing, about the things in my life this week. Things I really don't have control over.
It's been hard to sit and deal with this, especially since before today, I didn't tell anyone about how I was feeling.
But today, I confided in a good friend that the thoughts of not going back to school, and the uncertainty of my academic future are causing my a lot of stress and anxiety. Because she did not make me feel like an idiot for feeling this way, I then later confided in another friend about this anxiety.
We proceeded to talk about how much stress and anxiety that I've been feeling and how even for myself this is not normal. I've got to learn, once again, to deal with this. I can't let it build up again like it has this week. It's not fair to the people in my life to be treated like shit because I've been feeling stressed.
Tonight was a good night, in that I not only was able to confide in one of my best friends, but I spent the evening listening to some good music, and chatting and laughing and drinking. Even just venting and releasing that I'm anxious about the future, and that unplanned and uncertain things cause me to be anxious, have made a tremendous effect.
As afraid as I am to even start a conversation with my best friends (on account of feeling annoying or bothersome), I now feel comfortable coming to at least one person in my life with what's going on.
Which is huge for me, because he knows what I'm dealing with... and as long as he know what I'm dealing with, he knows at least a tiny but of my personal everyday struggle.
That's enough for me.
It's certainly been a week, with a lot of downs.
I just need to keep reminding myself to breath, look around, appreciate, and love.
No matter how hard it gets, I've been through worse, and I can get though even worse than that.
Love like no one cares.
Live as loud as possible.
Show the ones who you love, just how much they matter.
