It's been a while

It's been a while since I've posted anything here. I haven't really had the time or energy to write anything that is both meaningful and comprehendable, but I've been needing to get some things down, out of my head. Might as well do that here.
Alright, so there have been a lot of changes in the last year. New friends, new plans, new directions, new feelings, new me.
I feel like every day I'm growing; moving in so many different directions at once, that every time that I look back at who I was a short time before, I'm amazed. I've learned a lot about life, about love, about friendship, loyalty, trust, and most importantly I've learned a lot about myself. I'm seeing things in a different light, and I've never been happier. I've realized where I want to be in my life, and I feel for the first time that I'm actually making progress. I have one more year, and then I will have my undergraduate degree. One step closer to what I want. I have a plan, not fully thought out but it's coming, to be out and on my own (with roommate) by this time next year. To get a full time job, maybe even a part time one too, and work my ass off for a while. I need out of this place, and it has nothing to do with hating living at home. It's more of the fact that in 5 months, I'm going to be 23, and I feel like I should start moving on in my life, becoming more independent and self sufficient. One of the things I HATE the most is relying on other people, it's not because of how unreliable some people can be, it's that I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can do things for myself. In the year or so following this degree, I want to save money so that I can go away for more education, and also do some volunteering. Not just because I need the experience and volunteer hours, but because I feel that I need to give back, and I love helping people. It's something that I actually look forward to doing, and I would be doing it now if I had the time to commit to it.
I've also realized something else in the last year. I am surrounded by some pretty awesome people, and they mean the world to me. I have the best friends, who are always there for me, even when I get belligerently and very emotionally drunk and yell at them. I've been in a not-so-nice place lately, and my friends, family, and music are the only things that have pulled me through relatively unscathed. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to the people that I consider close to me. I love you all, and I would gladly do anything for you. Not just because you've all done so much for me, but because you are my friend, and that's what friends do. I've felt a lot of things lately, but lonely hasn't been one of them. There has always been someone here for me. I've made some pretty damn awesome friends lately, and have made older friendships stronger. I'm also sorry if I have become that annoying friend who always wants to hang out, but honestly I appreciate the time that I've spend with everyone. This last month I cant stand being alone. My mind likes to wander, and it always ends up in the worst places, causing some pretty intense dark feelings. So thank you guys for being here for me. Especially lately, I really have needed everyone's support, and I am lucky to have this many people to hold me up.
Last month, I lost of of the most important people in my life, my grandfather. It was one of the toughest things that I've had to face, and I'm still dealing with this on a day to day basis, but I'm devoting myself to making my grandfather proud. I always knew how proud he was of me, but after he passed and I heard how much everyone knew about me because of what he told people, I was amazed. I'm so happy that he was proud of who I am and what I am doing, and I want to continue to make him proud. Hearing so many stories about the man who I've looked up to my whole life, and realizing how much of his personality I see in myself and how many qualities that he instilled in me has made me realize that he's always going to be here with me. I miss him terribly, but knowing that he is no longer in pain, struggling to get through every single day gives me a sense of peace and ease.
I think that's pretty much all that's been going through my head, right now anyway. I don't know how much sense it made, but I just needed to get this out before I exploded. I've been would pretty tight, and have been feeling so anxious that I don't have any appetite, so hopefully this helps.
Good night, and if you're reading this friends, know that I love you and that I will gladly do whatever I can for you.