Yesterday, I had a little bit of a breakdown.
I went out for coffee with Dave after work, and it felt like I was in another world. I was spacy, staring off and being quiet. I'm usually a quiet person, but even I knew I was feeling off and distant.
...
Last weekend I had a phone conversation with dad, which was awesome. After I hung up with him, my next thought was "I should call mom, see what she's up to."
That thought has been haunting my mind since then. It's been hard over the last year dealing with everything that I have. I've been running this restaurant for a year next week, which is a big challenge daily. I've been settling mom's estate, helping my aunt with her financial troubles, working 50 hours a week, haven't taken a vacation,  trying to figure out what to do with the future (Pretty much settled on nursing, which means upgrading my high school chem...), paying upwards of 20K in funeral and final expenses that comes with settling an estate, and trying to have a social life.
It's been a rough two years.
I've been holding too much in. Still, or again, take your pick.
Returning to the coffee session with Dave, he knew there was something up, but I just brushed it off as being tired. I'm always tired, as I don't sleep enough, don't eat as well as I should, am perpetually dehydrated, and always have a million things running wild though my mind. But it wasn't quite it.
...
My grandmother told me last week that my aunt has a cyst on the cavity of her brain. This, on top of the stress of work, thinking about my own future (I'll get to that later, or maybe another time...), the want to talk to mom which I thought I had already thought through and dealt with earlier, and every other little thought has been piling up.
I've pushed everything to the back burner once again, as I don't want to talk to my family about this (in fear of causing more stress for my grandmother, who is also sill dealing with the loss of her daughter) and I hate to be a downer and talk it out with my buddies.
Dave pressed me, after I admitted that there was something wrong, but couldn't talk about it in public. I mostly didn't want to have a breakdown in the middle of a starbucks, but ya know. Once we got in the car, he again asked me what was going on.
I could have spilled my guts, and said why I was upset. I knew that he didn't have the time right then, and that it would end in tears for me, and I did not want to come home right after crying. It probably would have been best for me if I had just come out and said, "No, I'm not ok. This is what's going on, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm scared for many reasons over many issues. I'm scared that I'm going to have to go through what I did with mom again. I'm scared to start the upgrading process in fear of failure. I'm scared of going into nursing for the same reason. I'm burned out still from dealing with a year daily illness, care, financial issues, and family strain. I'm scared to make a move, whichever way I choose to.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was spend almost a year watching my mother die. I knew after her surgery on october 22 2015, that there was no coming back for her. I put on a brave face, encouraged her to try, and spent every bit of everything I had to give to try to make whatever life she could have the best we could hope for. There were complications a-plenty, drama, and everything imaginable. I managed to deal with all of this while successfully running a restaurant, and still have a sliver of a social life. That took a major toll.
I've been trying to help myself though all of this, while at the same time making sure that my family was ok too. Somewhere along the way I forgot about myself, and it has definitely changed me.
I look at myself in the mirror and see an old man. I'm always tired, I pretty much fake happiness tuesday to saturday at work, I have huge bags under my eyes, I find it nearly impossible to get a good night's sleep (already talk to my doctor, doesn't want me on anything long term). I'm not happy with how I'm living, and I feel like I've slipped into a depressive slump.
I rarely want to go out, I never want to deal with people, I want solitude, and I long to find myself...
...
easier said than done.
I've wanted for over a year to get into nursing. in order to do this, I need to upgrade my high school chemistry. I've thought it out, decided on a course of action... but something is holding me back. It's like there's a wall in front of me every time I try to sign up for the online course.
I guess it's fear that's stopping me. I'm scared of not being able to pass it. Im scared that even if I do pass it, that I'll fail out when I get into university again. I'm scared of not getting in at all. I'm scared that doing this one online high school course could be the stressor that pushes me over the edge. I'm scared that work will get in the way, and I'm scared of being stuck where I am now.
I know, I know, I need to just "DO IT".
easier said than done.
I think this is it for right now, Today has been a new day. Last night after meeting Dave for coffee I took a long walk though fernhill (my favourite place), then had a nice chat with someone unexpected. Went to bed at a decent time, and took some time to do things that I probably should have days ago, like cut my toe nails. I woke up still feeling anxious, but I kept telling myself all day that I'm over thinking, I'm ruminating, and that I am in charge of my own happiness.
So here I sit alone, feeling not great, but ok.
It's a step, one of many that I need to remember to take daily.