Dreams

After watching the Vancouver Olympic Games over the last few days, and and hearing what the athletes are saying... that they have had inspiration, that they've had a dream...
Well, it made me think. and I thought about this for the last 24 hours.
I cant recall ever really having a dream. Not the type you have at night in sleep. But the type where you want to have or to be something so much that you think about it every day all day. Ive never really had that.
Sure, throughout the last 5 or 6 years, Ive wanted to be a lawyer.
I didn't think that much about it, aside from that I wanted to help people, and to bring the guilty to justice. I decided against this, because I know that I can not withstand the stress and ability to be able to do the tasks that lawyers undergo each day.
Then, I wanted to be a Forensic Scientist. I still believe that I could, if I really put my mind to it, but threes not much need for that in this area for one, and I don't think that I could deal with the mental fatigue that came with the career (IE: seeing the bodies, dealing with the thoughts that this is what people can be capable of, etc)
My current career though is psychology, and I'm still not sure if that's what I want. I don't think about what my life would be like if this is what I chose to do with my life. I don't know If I really want this. I don't know.
This frustrates me, Cause I don't know what I want. I don't think that I ever have known what what I want. I HATE decisions, and at the same time I HATE not know whats ahead. I HATE not knowing how this work out... and I'm really frustrated with this... and I just wish that I had a goal for myself. That I had someplace that I wanted to get to.
I'm going to find this place, and I'm going to get to it.
Someday.

It's a wonder.

I wonder all the time
About odd little things
Whether or not you think about me
as much as I think about you
Im always wondering if things should be different
Like I should be back there...
I wish I knew what what was right or wrong;
black or white.
But right now, everything in my eyes are seen as grey..
Everything is the same, and I clearly dont know what to feel, what is reality, and what I should do...

My mind is a giant mess.

I don't know.
I don't know What I want.
I don't know where I want to be.
I don't know what I want to do.
I don't know who I want to be.
I don't know if I am where I want to be.
I don't know if this is right.
I don't even know who I am anymore... certainly not who I wanted to be at this point in my life.
I Know that I need to change myself, to get myself back on track.
I know I can do it.. but will I be able to? Can I find the strength to get up, dust myself off, and get back on the horse called life?
As much as I wanted to come here, to live here... I knew that it wouldn't be for me.
I knew deep down that Saint John is my home. And that it will be until I get out of there know what I want.. who I want to be.. where I want to be...
Ill be back home in a few months, when this will be less chaotic for myself. and my dad.
I'm going to wait until he gets back from Haiti to tell him that I want to move back home.
Its not living here, in this apartment that makes me want to move.. nothing like that at all. Its just that I miss home. I miss everyone and everything. I have nothing but Dad, Shelly, and Sassy here... Sure my two best friends are here, but theyre busy with school... and that's just not enough for me to make my life here...

March 24 2009

I found this while looking through some things..

3:15 pm
I wrote the following in my 12th grade English class, last year. I know exactly how I was feeling.. I can recall the exact thoughts...
Here it is, just so that you all can see into my thoughts from last year. Well, at least just some of them that I wrote on a page of loose leaf:

"Why do I continue to let stupid, petty things bother me? I tell myself day in and day out that I wont.. that I can't. It never fails. Stupid. Dumb. Pointless. I just want to get up and leave. Walk out, leave everything and go. Take a break from life and just be somewhere else. Anywhere.
Care. Love. Feel. Pain. Guilt.
Same routine...
Wash, rinse, and repeat. This is getting old.
There is a statement, rather a question written on the chalk board: 'Would you lie to protect a friend?' I'm bored, so I'm going to answer it..

Yes, I would lie to protect a friend, if it meant that the truth would hurt (them), and leave behind a disfiguring scar. I would have to consider. weigh the options in my mind. Would it really make everything better? Maybe. Would they get hurt in the end? Probably. But my main problem, caring too much, would make me instinctively want to shield them from the truthful pain. Ugh. Its confusing..

..I, like everyone else, have good and bad days. Lately more bad than good. It comes to my mind that it seems to be that my mood is a reflection of who's around me. I'm like a mirror. Scary. Blah.
Am I sane? No.
Will I ever be? No chance in Hell.
Who needs it anyway? Not me.
I'm content right now with having the best friends ever"

I know why I wrote every word of this, almost a year later...
Do you know why? Do you know how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way?
I highly doubt it... But I thought I would share this anyway.