March 24 2009

I found this while looking through some things..

3:15 pm
I wrote the following in my 12th grade English class, last year. I know exactly how I was feeling.. I can recall the exact thoughts...
Here it is, just so that you all can see into my thoughts from last year. Well, at least just some of them that I wrote on a page of loose leaf:

"Why do I continue to let stupid, petty things bother me? I tell myself day in and day out that I wont.. that I can't. It never fails. Stupid. Dumb. Pointless. I just want to get up and leave. Walk out, leave everything and go. Take a break from life and just be somewhere else. Anywhere.
Care. Love. Feel. Pain. Guilt.
Same routine...
Wash, rinse, and repeat. This is getting old.
There is a statement, rather a question written on the chalk board: 'Would you lie to protect a friend?' I'm bored, so I'm going to answer it..

Yes, I would lie to protect a friend, if it meant that the truth would hurt (them), and leave behind a disfiguring scar. I would have to consider. weigh the options in my mind. Would it really make everything better? Maybe. Would they get hurt in the end? Probably. But my main problem, caring too much, would make me instinctively want to shield them from the truthful pain. Ugh. Its confusing..

..I, like everyone else, have good and bad days. Lately more bad than good. It comes to my mind that it seems to be that my mood is a reflection of who's around me. I'm like a mirror. Scary. Blah.
Am I sane? No.
Will I ever be? No chance in Hell.
Who needs it anyway? Not me.
I'm content right now with having the best friends ever"

I know why I wrote every word of this, almost a year later...
Do you know why? Do you know how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way?
I highly doubt it... But I thought I would share this anyway.