Im so frustrated. Im so worried. Im so stressed.
I wish that I could just say why, say what's on my mind... But I dont want to blow this up if it really isnt anything. Im afraid that if I just come out and ask if it's true than you'll just stop talking to me, or that it will just make everything worse.
I dont want to care. I dont want to care. I dont want to care...
But the problem lies in the fact that I do care.
I hope this is nothing.
And if it is something, I hope you know that I am here.
I dont know what to do, and I wish I did..
Monday, October 24, 2011
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
I wish there was some way that I could convey what I'm feeling all the time. I'm very happy with my life right now, but at the same time there is always this feeling... something along the lines of sadness or anger... and I really don't know why it's there. I hate feeling this way... it's just so frustrating. Ughhh.
I wish I could just sort all of this out.
But on a more positive side, I am still very committed to this, and still way to organized. It scares me a little, cause I have never been organized before 2011. I am completely different in many ways from what I used to be.
I'm not who I was.
I'm who I am now, today.
I'm loving this whole being back in school thing, no matter how much I say otherwise. It feels so much better to be working towards something, instead of just working. Even the stress and reading and studying, I love it. I just feel so much more accomplished, so much better about myself.
Just felt the need to write, and here we are. at the end of my post
And I feel a lot better right now.
I wish I could just sort all of this out.
But on a more positive side, I am still very committed to this, and still way to organized. It scares me a little, cause I have never been organized before 2011. I am completely different in many ways from what I used to be.
I'm not who I was.
I'm who I am now, today.
I'm loving this whole being back in school thing, no matter how much I say otherwise. It feels so much better to be working towards something, instead of just working. Even the stress and reading and studying, I love it. I just feel so much more accomplished, so much better about myself.
Just felt the need to write, and here we are. at the end of my post
And I feel a lot better right now.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Lost my mind.
I feel so small.
I feel so insignificant.
I feel so used, so lost, so irrelevant.
I hate feeling like I don't matter, like no one cares.
There is no fucking reason for feeling this way that even makes sense...
I hate how moody I can be, and I just want to feel stable for a change.
I want to be happy. Just happy. No underlying feelings od unrest and anger.
I want to not have to lie everytime someone asks how I am. Idont want to keep the built up frustration that I have for no reason hidden.
I want to unleash it. I want to scream as loud as I can,
to free the demons that seem to always be right under my skin... never far away from my mind.
I guess I just need some more sleep, and to get you out of my fucking head before I lose my mind.
I feel so insignificant.
I feel so used, so lost, so irrelevant.
I hate feeling like I don't matter, like no one cares.
There is no fucking reason for feeling this way that even makes sense...
I hate how moody I can be, and I just want to feel stable for a change.
I want to be happy. Just happy. No underlying feelings od unrest and anger.
I want to not have to lie everytime someone asks how I am. Idont want to keep the built up frustration that I have for no reason hidden.
I want to unleash it. I want to scream as loud as I can,
to free the demons that seem to always be right under my skin... never far away from my mind.
I guess I just need some more sleep, and to get you out of my fucking head before I lose my mind.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
In this moment, I am content
A warm spring evening, sun still high in the air. You decided that it's too beautiful to waste, so you go for a walk. Up Margret, down Westmorland, and into Fernhill. Upon entering, you notice immediately how green it is. How alive it is, even though there are 100's of dead bodies buried just 6 feet below the surface.
You slow down, and you take it in.
There are bug flying around in the breeze; bees, flying ants, and mosquitoes, all of which would normally bother you a little. But not now. Everything is just too nice to feel anything but happiness. You continue on. Down the hill passing the soldiers' graves, and up another hill, passing crypts of two rich familys.
Most people would be creeped out, but not you. You find it peaceful and enchanting.
Moving toward the back of the graveyard, everything becomes greener. The smells of grass, wild flowers, earth; all mixing together into an aroma that you cant help but smile at. The path that winds down to the city begins here. The trees are full of leaves, and the sun is shining down from the blue sky. You notice that you're walking slower.
You notice that you're breathing a little deeper.
You take a look around, seeing green all around. You know that the city is just a few meters to your left, separated by a few small trees, but the air is still sweet. You cant hear the cars, because your music is playing in your ears just loud enough, but the occasional birds and squirrels are still heard.
You stop.
You want to capture this moment because you know that ones like this are few and far between, but you know that a simple picture on your blackberry can not capture the beauty of everything. You take the picture anyways, and then begin slowly walking down the path, thinking to yourself "Everything is perfect right now, in this moment I am content"
You slow down, and you take it in.
There are bug flying around in the breeze; bees, flying ants, and mosquitoes, all of which would normally bother you a little. But not now. Everything is just too nice to feel anything but happiness. You continue on. Down the hill passing the soldiers' graves, and up another hill, passing crypts of two rich familys.
Most people would be creeped out, but not you. You find it peaceful and enchanting.
Moving toward the back of the graveyard, everything becomes greener. The smells of grass, wild flowers, earth; all mixing together into an aroma that you cant help but smile at. The path that winds down to the city begins here. The trees are full of leaves, and the sun is shining down from the blue sky. You notice that you're walking slower.
You notice that you're breathing a little deeper.
You take a look around, seeing green all around. You know that the city is just a few meters to your left, separated by a few small trees, but the air is still sweet. You cant hear the cars, because your music is playing in your ears just loud enough, but the occasional birds and squirrels are still heard.
You stop.
You want to capture this moment because you know that ones like this are few and far between, but you know that a simple picture on your blackberry can not capture the beauty of everything. You take the picture anyways, and then begin slowly walking down the path, thinking to yourself "Everything is perfect right now, in this moment I am content"
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Untitled thought update
Well, it's been a long time since I have been able to write something on here. Every time I've had something to write down, it seemed to just leave me. Anyway, since the spring is now here and it is warmer, Ive been walking and doing alot of thinking, which made me want to write down some of the things that are going through my head.
My first term of university is almost done, and I'm rather happy with where I am at. I am quite happy with this, being a student. I really had a hard time convincing myself that I could do this... but here I am. I registered for next years classes earlier today, and I am registered for a couple spring classes as of a few weeks ago. I can do this, and I think that although it may have come a little late, and with alot of forcing myself, I know that I can and I am actually believing in myself. That's something I rarely used to do.
Not everything is going great for me, but I'm taking the good and the bad as they come. I'm working through things as they come, and working on worry less about what's ahead, and instead focusing on what is here and now.
I know that I have great people in my life that I know are here for me, I have a great family that would do anything for me and love me, I'm furthering my education, I have a decent job, and I'm fairly happy. Last year, there were not too many times that I actually felt happy. It's nice for a change to be looking on the brighter side of everything, knowing that I really can do whatever I want, as long as I am willing to put in the effort and believe.
Although my life may be far from perfection, I am feeling great about where I am at in the grand scheme. I have learned alot in this first term, and I know that I am a reasonable person with good ethics, values, principles and goals. I may not always following the right path, but I I know that someday, after many twists and turns, that I will make it to the destination where I am meant to be.
My first term of university is almost done, and I'm rather happy with where I am at. I am quite happy with this, being a student. I really had a hard time convincing myself that I could do this... but here I am. I registered for next years classes earlier today, and I am registered for a couple spring classes as of a few weeks ago. I can do this, and I think that although it may have come a little late, and with alot of forcing myself, I know that I can and I am actually believing in myself. That's something I rarely used to do.
Not everything is going great for me, but I'm taking the good and the bad as they come. I'm working through things as they come, and working on worry less about what's ahead, and instead focusing on what is here and now.
I know that I have great people in my life that I know are here for me, I have a great family that would do anything for me and love me, I'm furthering my education, I have a decent job, and I'm fairly happy. Last year, there were not too many times that I actually felt happy. It's nice for a change to be looking on the brighter side of everything, knowing that I really can do whatever I want, as long as I am willing to put in the effort and believe.
Although my life may be far from perfection, I am feeling great about where I am at in the grand scheme. I have learned alot in this first term, and I know that I am a reasonable person with good ethics, values, principles and goals. I may not always following the right path, but I I know that someday, after many twists and turns, that I will make it to the destination where I am meant to be.
