I'm sitting here, after over an hour of crying. I'm trying to figure it all out. I'm trying to set a plan, because I'm tired of this same old routine of feeling like shit.
I'm tired of it all. The hurting, the pain, the feelings, especially the feeling of being alone when you need someone to talk to;I'm tired of feeling that my problems are not big enought to ask for help.
and I don't know what to do.
So I sit here, and will probably cry myself to sleep to the hundredth time.
Feeling worthless, useless, and alone.
I hate feeling alone.
Friday, September 29, 2017
Friday, September 8, 2017
Yesterday, I had a little bit of a breakdown.
I went out for coffee with Dave after work, and it felt like I was in another world. I was spacy, staring off and being quiet. I'm usually a quiet person, but even I knew I was feeling off and distant.
...
Last weekend I had a phone conversation with dad, which was awesome. After I hung up with him, my next thought was "I should call mom, see what she's up to."
That thought has been haunting my mind since then. It's been hard over the last year dealing with everything that I have. I've been running this restaurant for a year next week, which is a big challenge daily. I've been settling mom's estate, helping my aunt with her financial troubles, working 50 hours a week, haven't taken a vacation, trying to figure out what to do with the future (Pretty much settled on nursing, which means upgrading my high school chem...), paying upwards of 20K in funeral and final expenses that comes with settling an estate, and trying to have a social life.
It's been a rough two years.
I've been holding too much in. Still, or again, take your pick.
Returning to the coffee session with Dave, he knew there was something up, but I just brushed it off as being tired. I'm always tired, as I don't sleep enough, don't eat as well as I should, am perpetually dehydrated, and always have a million things running wild though my mind. But it wasn't quite it.
...
My grandmother told me last week that my aunt has a cyst on the cavity of her brain. This, on top of the stress of work, thinking about my own future (I'll get to that later, or maybe another time...), the want to talk to mom which I thought I had already thought through and dealt with earlier, and every other little thought has been piling up.
I've pushed everything to the back burner once again, as I don't want to talk to my family about this (in fear of causing more stress for my grandmother, who is also sill dealing with the loss of her daughter) and I hate to be a downer and talk it out with my buddies.
Dave pressed me, after I admitted that there was something wrong, but couldn't talk about it in public. I mostly didn't want to have a breakdown in the middle of a starbucks, but ya know. Once we got in the car, he again asked me what was going on.
I could have spilled my guts, and said why I was upset. I knew that he didn't have the time right then, and that it would end in tears for me, and I did not want to come home right after crying. It probably would have been best for me if I had just come out and said, "No, I'm not ok. This is what's going on, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm scared for many reasons over many issues. I'm scared that I'm going to have to go through what I did with mom again. I'm scared to start the upgrading process in fear of failure. I'm scared of going into nursing for the same reason. I'm burned out still from dealing with a year daily illness, care, financial issues, and family strain. I'm scared to make a move, whichever way I choose to.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was spend almost a year watching my mother die. I knew after her surgery on october 22 2015, that there was no coming back for her. I put on a brave face, encouraged her to try, and spent every bit of everything I had to give to try to make whatever life she could have the best we could hope for. There were complications a-plenty, drama, and everything imaginable. I managed to deal with all of this while successfully running a restaurant, and still have a sliver of a social life. That took a major toll.
I've been trying to help myself though all of this, while at the same time making sure that my family was ok too. Somewhere along the way I forgot about myself, and it has definitely changed me.
I look at myself in the mirror and see an old man. I'm always tired, I pretty much fake happiness tuesday to saturday at work, I have huge bags under my eyes, I find it nearly impossible to get a good night's sleep (already talk to my doctor, doesn't want me on anything long term). I'm not happy with how I'm living, and I feel like I've slipped into a depressive slump.
I rarely want to go out, I never want to deal with people, I want solitude, and I long to find myself...
...
easier said than done.
I've wanted for over a year to get into nursing. in order to do this, I need to upgrade my high school chemistry. I've thought it out, decided on a course of action... but something is holding me back. It's like there's a wall in front of me every time I try to sign up for the online course.
I guess it's fear that's stopping me. I'm scared of not being able to pass it. Im scared that even if I do pass it, that I'll fail out when I get into university again. I'm scared of not getting in at all. I'm scared that doing this one online high school course could be the stressor that pushes me over the edge. I'm scared that work will get in the way, and I'm scared of being stuck where I am now.
I know, I know, I need to just "DO IT".
easier said than done.
I think this is it for right now, Today has been a new day. Last night after meeting Dave for coffee I took a long walk though fernhill (my favourite place), then had a nice chat with someone unexpected. Went to bed at a decent time, and took some time to do things that I probably should have days ago, like cut my toe nails. I woke up still feeling anxious, but I kept telling myself all day that I'm over thinking, I'm ruminating, and that I am in charge of my own happiness.
So here I sit alone, feeling not great, but ok.
It's a step, one of many that I need to remember to take daily.
I went out for coffee with Dave after work, and it felt like I was in another world. I was spacy, staring off and being quiet. I'm usually a quiet person, but even I knew I was feeling off and distant.
...
Last weekend I had a phone conversation with dad, which was awesome. After I hung up with him, my next thought was "I should call mom, see what she's up to."
That thought has been haunting my mind since then. It's been hard over the last year dealing with everything that I have. I've been running this restaurant for a year next week, which is a big challenge daily. I've been settling mom's estate, helping my aunt with her financial troubles, working 50 hours a week, haven't taken a vacation, trying to figure out what to do with the future (Pretty much settled on nursing, which means upgrading my high school chem...), paying upwards of 20K in funeral and final expenses that comes with settling an estate, and trying to have a social life.
It's been a rough two years.
I've been holding too much in. Still, or again, take your pick.
Returning to the coffee session with Dave, he knew there was something up, but I just brushed it off as being tired. I'm always tired, as I don't sleep enough, don't eat as well as I should, am perpetually dehydrated, and always have a million things running wild though my mind. But it wasn't quite it.
...
My grandmother told me last week that my aunt has a cyst on the cavity of her brain. This, on top of the stress of work, thinking about my own future (I'll get to that later, or maybe another time...), the want to talk to mom which I thought I had already thought through and dealt with earlier, and every other little thought has been piling up.
I've pushed everything to the back burner once again, as I don't want to talk to my family about this (in fear of causing more stress for my grandmother, who is also sill dealing with the loss of her daughter) and I hate to be a downer and talk it out with my buddies.
Dave pressed me, after I admitted that there was something wrong, but couldn't talk about it in public. I mostly didn't want to have a breakdown in the middle of a starbucks, but ya know. Once we got in the car, he again asked me what was going on.
I could have spilled my guts, and said why I was upset. I knew that he didn't have the time right then, and that it would end in tears for me, and I did not want to come home right after crying. It probably would have been best for me if I had just come out and said, "No, I'm not ok. This is what's going on, and I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I'm scared for many reasons over many issues. I'm scared that I'm going to have to go through what I did with mom again. I'm scared to start the upgrading process in fear of failure. I'm scared of going into nursing for the same reason. I'm burned out still from dealing with a year daily illness, care, financial issues, and family strain. I'm scared to make a move, whichever way I choose to.
The hardest thing I've ever had to do was spend almost a year watching my mother die. I knew after her surgery on october 22 2015, that there was no coming back for her. I put on a brave face, encouraged her to try, and spent every bit of everything I had to give to try to make whatever life she could have the best we could hope for. There were complications a-plenty, drama, and everything imaginable. I managed to deal with all of this while successfully running a restaurant, and still have a sliver of a social life. That took a major toll.
I've been trying to help myself though all of this, while at the same time making sure that my family was ok too. Somewhere along the way I forgot about myself, and it has definitely changed me.
I look at myself in the mirror and see an old man. I'm always tired, I pretty much fake happiness tuesday to saturday at work, I have huge bags under my eyes, I find it nearly impossible to get a good night's sleep (already talk to my doctor, doesn't want me on anything long term). I'm not happy with how I'm living, and I feel like I've slipped into a depressive slump.
I rarely want to go out, I never want to deal with people, I want solitude, and I long to find myself...
...
easier said than done.
I've wanted for over a year to get into nursing. in order to do this, I need to upgrade my high school chemistry. I've thought it out, decided on a course of action... but something is holding me back. It's like there's a wall in front of me every time I try to sign up for the online course.
I guess it's fear that's stopping me. I'm scared of not being able to pass it. Im scared that even if I do pass it, that I'll fail out when I get into university again. I'm scared of not getting in at all. I'm scared that doing this one online high school course could be the stressor that pushes me over the edge. I'm scared that work will get in the way, and I'm scared of being stuck where I am now.
I know, I know, I need to just "DO IT".
easier said than done.
I think this is it for right now, Today has been a new day. Last night after meeting Dave for coffee I took a long walk though fernhill (my favourite place), then had a nice chat with someone unexpected. Went to bed at a decent time, and took some time to do things that I probably should have days ago, like cut my toe nails. I woke up still feeling anxious, but I kept telling myself all day that I'm over thinking, I'm ruminating, and that I am in charge of my own happiness.
So here I sit alone, feeling not great, but ok.
It's a step, one of many that I need to remember to take daily.
Monday, September 7, 2015
words, words, words
Words. No, Language.
Language is an amazing thing.
You can convey almost any meaning just by stringing together a few words in a way that another, or others can understand that same meaning.
Just a few simple words can hold an infinite amount of meaning. Concrete meaning, that everyone who understands the language will take away that same meaning. Implied meaning. Personal meaning. Intimate meaning. Multiple meanings.
What I've come to realize this last week, while dwelling on all of the shit-storm that is my mind (See, Anxiety...) is that words are one of my favourite things.
I know that sounds strange, but I'm going to try to explain what I mean.
Like I said, words can hold many meanings. Strings of words in a sentence, novel, text message, phone call, or face to face conversation. The meaning that one person is expressing can be understood or incorrectly understood by the other person or people. They can be misleading. They can be hurtful. They can express all of the love, kindness, and gratitude that a person can imagine.
The fact that a person can express themselves, and that words can hold so much meaning... It just warms me inside. It makes me feel connected... and for someone who often feel disconnected, lost, and alone, it's something amazing.
I guess I did learn a little bit form linguistics after all.
Language is an amazing thing.
You can convey almost any meaning just by stringing together a few words in a way that another, or others can understand that same meaning.
Just a few simple words can hold an infinite amount of meaning. Concrete meaning, that everyone who understands the language will take away that same meaning. Implied meaning. Personal meaning. Intimate meaning. Multiple meanings.
What I've come to realize this last week, while dwelling on all of the shit-storm that is my mind (See, Anxiety...) is that words are one of my favourite things.
I know that sounds strange, but I'm going to try to explain what I mean.
Like I said, words can hold many meanings. Strings of words in a sentence, novel, text message, phone call, or face to face conversation. The meaning that one person is expressing can be understood or incorrectly understood by the other person or people. They can be misleading. They can be hurtful. They can express all of the love, kindness, and gratitude that a person can imagine.
The fact that a person can express themselves, and that words can hold so much meaning... It just warms me inside. It makes me feel connected... and for someone who often feel disconnected, lost, and alone, it's something amazing.
I guess I did learn a little bit form linguistics after all.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Take me somewhere far
This past week has been pretty stressful for me.
There's been a lot going on, between work, family, and friends... and of course my mind has to go and fuck with everything it can.
There's been a lot of family issues and personal issues that have been weighing on my mind lately. I'm worried about myself, and need to make a doctors appointment for a general check up, but I'm also worried about my mom. She's lost a lot of weight suddenly without trying, and that's scary to begin with. But when your boss (who is also my mom's boss) comes to talk to me about about how my mom has lost weight and hasn't been herself... that's concerning.
I'm relieved that she has finally made an doctors appointment for a few days from now... so hopefully they do some tests and figure out what is going on... cause it's pretty stressful not knowing if your mom is sick or not, and adding on how my mind likes to turn every possible thing bad, well that just makes me incredibly anxious about the whole situation.
Another thing I've been worried about... well not so much worried about, but it's been on my mind constantly, is what's going to happen academically for myself.
I keep thinking about how this is the first year that I'm not going back to school, and that I don't have a set plan... well that just makes everything worse.
I've been incredibly anxious, to the point of breaking down and spending a good hour crying and sobbing, about the things in my life this week. Things I really don't have control over.
It's been hard to sit and deal with this, especially since before today, I didn't tell anyone about how I was feeling.
But today, I confided in a good friend that the thoughts of not going back to school, and the uncertainty of my academic future are causing my a lot of stress and anxiety. Because she did not make me feel like an idiot for feeling this way, I then later confided in another friend about this anxiety.
We proceeded to talk about how much stress and anxiety that I've been feeling and how even for myself this is not normal. I've got to learn, once again, to deal with this. I can't let it build up again like it has this week. It's not fair to the people in my life to be treated like shit because I've been feeling stressed.
Tonight was a good night, in that I not only was able to confide in one of my best friends, but I spent the evening listening to some good music, and chatting and laughing and drinking. Even just venting and releasing that I'm anxious about the future, and that unplanned and uncertain things cause me to be anxious, have made a tremendous effect.
As afraid as I am to even start a conversation with my best friends (on account of feeling annoying or bothersome), I now feel comfortable coming to at least one person in my life with what's going on.
Which is huge for me, because he knows what I'm dealing with... and as long as he know what I'm dealing with, he knows at least a tiny but of my personal everyday struggle.
That's enough for me.
It's certainly been a week, with a lot of downs.
I just need to keep reminding myself to breath, look around, appreciate, and love.
No matter how hard it gets, I've been through worse, and I can get though even worse than that.
Love like no one cares.
Live as loud as possible.
Show the ones who you love, just how much they matter.
There's been a lot going on, between work, family, and friends... and of course my mind has to go and fuck with everything it can.
There's been a lot of family issues and personal issues that have been weighing on my mind lately. I'm worried about myself, and need to make a doctors appointment for a general check up, but I'm also worried about my mom. She's lost a lot of weight suddenly without trying, and that's scary to begin with. But when your boss (who is also my mom's boss) comes to talk to me about about how my mom has lost weight and hasn't been herself... that's concerning.
I'm relieved that she has finally made an doctors appointment for a few days from now... so hopefully they do some tests and figure out what is going on... cause it's pretty stressful not knowing if your mom is sick or not, and adding on how my mind likes to turn every possible thing bad, well that just makes me incredibly anxious about the whole situation.
Another thing I've been worried about... well not so much worried about, but it's been on my mind constantly, is what's going to happen academically for myself.
I keep thinking about how this is the first year that I'm not going back to school, and that I don't have a set plan... well that just makes everything worse.
I've been incredibly anxious, to the point of breaking down and spending a good hour crying and sobbing, about the things in my life this week. Things I really don't have control over.
It's been hard to sit and deal with this, especially since before today, I didn't tell anyone about how I was feeling.
But today, I confided in a good friend that the thoughts of not going back to school, and the uncertainty of my academic future are causing my a lot of stress and anxiety. Because she did not make me feel like an idiot for feeling this way, I then later confided in another friend about this anxiety.
We proceeded to talk about how much stress and anxiety that I've been feeling and how even for myself this is not normal. I've got to learn, once again, to deal with this. I can't let it build up again like it has this week. It's not fair to the people in my life to be treated like shit because I've been feeling stressed.
Tonight was a good night, in that I not only was able to confide in one of my best friends, but I spent the evening listening to some good music, and chatting and laughing and drinking. Even just venting and releasing that I'm anxious about the future, and that unplanned and uncertain things cause me to be anxious, have made a tremendous effect.
As afraid as I am to even start a conversation with my best friends (on account of feeling annoying or bothersome), I now feel comfortable coming to at least one person in my life with what's going on.
Which is huge for me, because he knows what I'm dealing with... and as long as he know what I'm dealing with, he knows at least a tiny but of my personal everyday struggle.
That's enough for me.
It's certainly been a week, with a lot of downs.
I just need to keep reminding myself to breath, look around, appreciate, and love.
No matter how hard it gets, I've been through worse, and I can get though even worse than that.
Love like no one cares.
Live as loud as possible.
Show the ones who you love, just how much they matter.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
It's been a while
It's been a while since I've posted anything here. I haven't really had the time or energy to write anything that is both meaningful and comprehendable, but I've been needing to get some things down, out of my head. Might as well do that here.
Alright, so there have been a lot of changes in the last year. New friends, new plans, new directions, new feelings, new me.
I feel like every day I'm growing; moving in so many different directions at once, that every time that I look back at who I was a short time before, I'm amazed. I've learned a lot about life, about love, about friendship, loyalty, trust, and most importantly I've learned a lot about myself. I'm seeing things in a different light, and I've never been happier. I've realized where I want to be in my life, and I feel for the first time that I'm actually making progress. I have one more year, and then I will have my undergraduate degree. One step closer to what I want. I have a plan, not fully thought out but it's coming, to be out and on my own (with roommate) by this time next year. To get a full time job, maybe even a part time one too, and work my ass off for a while. I need out of this place, and it has nothing to do with hating living at home. It's more of the fact that in 5 months, I'm going to be 23, and I feel like I should start moving on in my life, becoming more independent and self sufficient. One of the things I HATE the most is relying on other people, it's not because of how unreliable some people can be, it's that I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can do things for myself. In the year or so following this degree, I want to save money so that I can go away for more education, and also do some volunteering. Not just because I need the experience and volunteer hours, but because I feel that I need to give back, and I love helping people. It's something that I actually look forward to doing, and I would be doing it now if I had the time to commit to it.
I've also realized something else in the last year. I am surrounded by some pretty awesome people, and they mean the world to me. I have the best friends, who are always there for me, even when I get belligerently and very emotionally drunk and yell at them. I've been in a not-so-nice place lately, and my friends, family, and music are the only things that have pulled me through relatively unscathed. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to the people that I consider close to me. I love you all, and I would gladly do anything for you. Not just because you've all done so much for me, but because you are my friend, and that's what friends do. I've felt a lot of things lately, but lonely hasn't been one of them. There has always been someone here for me. I've made some pretty damn awesome friends lately, and have made older friendships stronger. I'm also sorry if I have become that annoying friend who always wants to hang out, but honestly I appreciate the time that I've spend with everyone. This last month I cant stand being alone. My mind likes to wander, and it always ends up in the worst places, causing some pretty intense dark feelings. So thank you guys for being here for me. Especially lately, I really have needed everyone's support, and I am lucky to have this many people to hold me up.
Last month, I lost of of the most important people in my life, my grandfather. It was one of the toughest things that I've had to face, and I'm still dealing with this on a day to day basis, but I'm devoting myself to making my grandfather proud. I always knew how proud he was of me, but after he passed and I heard how much everyone knew about me because of what he told people, I was amazed. I'm so happy that he was proud of who I am and what I am doing, and I want to continue to make him proud. Hearing so many stories about the man who I've looked up to my whole life, and realizing how much of his personality I see in myself and how many qualities that he instilled in me has made me realize that he's always going to be here with me. I miss him terribly, but knowing that he is no longer in pain, struggling to get through every single day gives me a sense of peace and ease.
I think that's pretty much all that's been going through my head, right now anyway. I don't know how much sense it made, but I just needed to get this out before I exploded. I've been would pretty tight, and have been feeling so anxious that I don't have any appetite, so hopefully this helps.
Good night, and if you're reading this friends, know that I love you and that I will gladly do whatever I can for you.
Alright, so there have been a lot of changes in the last year. New friends, new plans, new directions, new feelings, new me.
I feel like every day I'm growing; moving in so many different directions at once, that every time that I look back at who I was a short time before, I'm amazed. I've learned a lot about life, about love, about friendship, loyalty, trust, and most importantly I've learned a lot about myself. I'm seeing things in a different light, and I've never been happier. I've realized where I want to be in my life, and I feel for the first time that I'm actually making progress. I have one more year, and then I will have my undergraduate degree. One step closer to what I want. I have a plan, not fully thought out but it's coming, to be out and on my own (with roommate) by this time next year. To get a full time job, maybe even a part time one too, and work my ass off for a while. I need out of this place, and it has nothing to do with hating living at home. It's more of the fact that in 5 months, I'm going to be 23, and I feel like I should start moving on in my life, becoming more independent and self sufficient. One of the things I HATE the most is relying on other people, it's not because of how unreliable some people can be, it's that I feel like I need to prove to myself that I can do things for myself. In the year or so following this degree, I want to save money so that I can go away for more education, and also do some volunteering. Not just because I need the experience and volunteer hours, but because I feel that I need to give back, and I love helping people. It's something that I actually look forward to doing, and I would be doing it now if I had the time to commit to it.
I've also realized something else in the last year. I am surrounded by some pretty awesome people, and they mean the world to me. I have the best friends, who are always there for me, even when I get belligerently and very emotionally drunk and yell at them. I've been in a not-so-nice place lately, and my friends, family, and music are the only things that have pulled me through relatively unscathed. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude to the people that I consider close to me. I love you all, and I would gladly do anything for you. Not just because you've all done so much for me, but because you are my friend, and that's what friends do. I've felt a lot of things lately, but lonely hasn't been one of them. There has always been someone here for me. I've made some pretty damn awesome friends lately, and have made older friendships stronger. I'm also sorry if I have become that annoying friend who always wants to hang out, but honestly I appreciate the time that I've spend with everyone. This last month I cant stand being alone. My mind likes to wander, and it always ends up in the worst places, causing some pretty intense dark feelings. So thank you guys for being here for me. Especially lately, I really have needed everyone's support, and I am lucky to have this many people to hold me up.
Last month, I lost of of the most important people in my life, my grandfather. It was one of the toughest things that I've had to face, and I'm still dealing with this on a day to day basis, but I'm devoting myself to making my grandfather proud. I always knew how proud he was of me, but after he passed and I heard how much everyone knew about me because of what he told people, I was amazed. I'm so happy that he was proud of who I am and what I am doing, and I want to continue to make him proud. Hearing so many stories about the man who I've looked up to my whole life, and realizing how much of his personality I see in myself and how many qualities that he instilled in me has made me realize that he's always going to be here with me. I miss him terribly, but knowing that he is no longer in pain, struggling to get through every single day gives me a sense of peace and ease.
I think that's pretty much all that's been going through my head, right now anyway. I don't know how much sense it made, but I just needed to get this out before I exploded. I've been would pretty tight, and have been feeling so anxious that I don't have any appetite, so hopefully this helps.
Good night, and if you're reading this friends, know that I love you and that I will gladly do whatever I can for you.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Family thinking
My family and my friends are basically my world. This is not news.
My uncle was offered a permanent position in Fort Mac this week, and he and my aunt are considering it... I honestly dont know how I would deal with my three little cousins being that far away. They are the closest thing I have to brothers, and they are honestly like brothers to me. I have seen them all growing up, and I love to bug em and give them advice that I wish someone had given me. I love all three of them to death, they are more than cousins to me. through all of the family drama, the four of us stuck together, and I really hope that I dont have to see part of my family move to the other side of the country this summer. I want to see Ty, Trav, and Zack grow up, and I want to be a part of that. I am the only big cousin to them that is a decent role model, and I want to help them to become great men. I know that all three of them will be great men.
Sunday, June 10, 2012
This is me. (not finished)
Ok, so here goes how I see myself, everything that I can think of right now anyway.
I love and value my family and friends above all, because they are always standing right by my side no matter what. I am an overall decent person, and I know that I have my moments where I am a condescending asshole, and I know that no matter how much I hate it I know that I need a reality check every now and then. I'm neurotic, cynical, and bitter, but I love my life, and I love to laugh and be happy. I can be very opinionated and biased, and I hate being wrong, but will admit when I am. I am very stubborn and can be very hot headed, but I am pretty easy going overall; I give people respect and treat them accordingly to how they treat me. I've lived in the city my whole life, but I am a country boy at heart. I love almost everything about country living, and someday I see myself getting out of the city. I am afraid of spiders, losing people, death, and change. I make mistakes everyday. I don't believe in regrets, because everything happens for a reason, and there is always a lesson to learn. I'm stupid, but I am full of useless information. Helping people is definitely something that I love to do, and hope to do so in some sort of career. I love the quiet and hate it all at once, It's relaxing but too boring. Music is a big part of my life, almost every song that I like as some sort of memory or emotion tied to is. I am a very sentimental person, and I love to keep random things that hold memories. I am a caring person, and caring too much is one of my many flaws. I am also very egocentric, shallow, forgetful... the list goes on and on. I always seem to see the worst in everything, while at the same time trying to find the best in everyone. I have a tendency to always see everything in the worst light, and dwell on the decisions I have made. I worry about everything imaginable, and I am always analyzing what people say to me. I focus on body language and facial expression. I hate my physical appearance, very much. I am very shy and self conscious, and I hate being the center of attention. I really believe that the best way to release my anger or frustrations are talking it out, walking/running, writing, and good ol fashioned crying it out. Everyone needs a good cry now and then. I rarely love early mornings, and I love late night. I love my job sometimes because it can be rewarding, but sometimes I absolutely hate it. I'm not afraid of hard work, but at the same time I can be lazy. I'm very proud of where I came from and how I was raised. I haven't had the easiest life, but I know that I am very fortunate to have taken what I have from life so far. I love to travel, and will someday travel again. I'm very skeptical and indecisive. I hate making decisions, and I hate being dependent. I'm very afraid of letting people into my life, because I am afraid of someone having something to hold against me.I have a hard time letting go of things, except for grudges. Life's too short for holding grudges and not forgiving. Always forgive, but never forget. I strongly believe that the past is in the past, and that people can change but it's not always the case. I believe that love exists, and that it's not all that hard to find. I don't believe in love at first sight, it's called lust, love takes time to develop.
I love and value my family and friends above all, because they are always standing right by my side no matter what. I am an overall decent person, and I know that I have my moments where I am a condescending asshole, and I know that no matter how much I hate it I know that I need a reality check every now and then. I'm neurotic, cynical, and bitter, but I love my life, and I love to laugh and be happy. I can be very opinionated and biased, and I hate being wrong, but will admit when I am. I am very stubborn and can be very hot headed, but I am pretty easy going overall; I give people respect and treat them accordingly to how they treat me. I've lived in the city my whole life, but I am a country boy at heart. I love almost everything about country living, and someday I see myself getting out of the city. I am afraid of spiders, losing people, death, and change. I make mistakes everyday. I don't believe in regrets, because everything happens for a reason, and there is always a lesson to learn. I'm stupid, but I am full of useless information. Helping people is definitely something that I love to do, and hope to do so in some sort of career. I love the quiet and hate it all at once, It's relaxing but too boring. Music is a big part of my life, almost every song that I like as some sort of memory or emotion tied to is. I am a very sentimental person, and I love to keep random things that hold memories. I am a caring person, and caring too much is one of my many flaws. I am also very egocentric, shallow, forgetful... the list goes on and on. I always seem to see the worst in everything, while at the same time trying to find the best in everyone. I have a tendency to always see everything in the worst light, and dwell on the decisions I have made. I worry about everything imaginable, and I am always analyzing what people say to me. I focus on body language and facial expression. I hate my physical appearance, very much. I am very shy and self conscious, and I hate being the center of attention. I really believe that the best way to release my anger or frustrations are talking it out, walking/running, writing, and good ol fashioned crying it out. Everyone needs a good cry now and then. I rarely love early mornings, and I love late night. I love my job sometimes because it can be rewarding, but sometimes I absolutely hate it. I'm not afraid of hard work, but at the same time I can be lazy. I'm very proud of where I came from and how I was raised. I haven't had the easiest life, but I know that I am very fortunate to have taken what I have from life so far. I love to travel, and will someday travel again. I'm very skeptical and indecisive. I hate making decisions, and I hate being dependent. I'm very afraid of letting people into my life, because I am afraid of someone having something to hold against me.I have a hard time letting go of things, except for grudges. Life's too short for holding grudges and not forgiving. Always forgive, but never forget. I strongly believe that the past is in the past, and that people can change but it's not always the case. I believe that love exists, and that it's not all that hard to find. I don't believe in love at first sight, it's called lust, love takes time to develop.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
In the dark I see
The night before last I had a really fucked up dream... I don't know what it means, and it really freaked me out. It was painful.
I dreamt that there was a memorial-type service at glen falls school for Matt, and that a bunch of us friends were all sitting together to support each other. But then in the crowd I spotted Matt, and we all started freaking out.. he started running because he knew that we had seen him... then after chasing him all over the school we finally caught up to him... he explained that he faked his death and that he wanted to get away from everything, but it had nothing to do with us.
and that's it.
That's when I woke up. It might not seem like such a bad dream, but when you wake up thinking that your friend was still alive and here, only to realize that the dream wasn't real, it's heart wrenching... Realizing that he's still gone.
It felt like losing him all over again.
I dreamt that there was a memorial-type service at glen falls school for Matt, and that a bunch of us friends were all sitting together to support each other. But then in the crowd I spotted Matt, and we all started freaking out.. he started running because he knew that we had seen him... then after chasing him all over the school we finally caught up to him... he explained that he faked his death and that he wanted to get away from everything, but it had nothing to do with us.
and that's it.
That's when I woke up. It might not seem like such a bad dream, but when you wake up thinking that your friend was still alive and here, only to realize that the dream wasn't real, it's heart wrenching... Realizing that he's still gone.
It felt like losing him all over again.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
You're driving me crazy
It's so unbelievably awesome that after three years I have my best friend back. Glad that last night happened, I think that we needed it. Got some things off my chest, and it felt good.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
When I tell someone that I'll be there for them no matter what
I mean it.
It might have taken almost three years, but I have a really good friend back, and that makes me happy.
I mean it.
It might have taken almost three years, but I have a really good friend back, and that makes me happy.
