All I can say is pain like that is fast, and it's rare

I really cant believe that in just 4 hours, I will be on a plane to Toronto. Then to Frankfurt. Then Rome. I am feeling so happy and excited, but at the same time, I just dont feel like going. I know that everyone is going say "Why would you not want to go?" but its more difficult than you might think. I just.. I dont want to leave right now. I feel like this has just came up so fast. Theres unfinished business. Theres loose ends. It just dont feel right, right now.

Ill get over it. Ill get on the plane. Ill have a good time. And Ill hope to god that everything will be fine when I get back. I hope that everyone else has a safe March break. Ill try to get on here to write, but i dont know when I will.

"When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead..."

Im actualy generally happy right now. Aside from the runny nose, painfull cough, and the stressing over europe and school. I hate, HATEHATEHATE being sick, because I feel like shit, lose all motovation to do anything, and it just plain SUCKS. I JUST WANT TO GET BETTER!!

Right now I cant stop listening to If Today Was Your Last Day, its just making so much sence to me right now. The lyrics are just speaking to me, and its making me feel more optomistic about almost everything. Im glad to be finally feeling better, for the most part.. Although there are points throughout the day where I still just want to crash and stop caring, everything is slowly getting put back to normal, the pieces are being put back into place, one by one. Im just praying that something like the mere wind wont make everything come tumbling down.. again.

I cant believe that in less than two days Ill be flying over the Atlantic, on my way to Europe. Im so excited, but at the same time, Im a little frustrated and down. I really am happy to be getting away from here for a while, but I am not looking forward to leaving behind the people that Im used to talking to every day. I dont know how Ill survive with out them, But I will.

Homework, I just can bring myself to do it tonight. I would rather still be out, basically anywhere but here. I dont know. Maybe if I was feeling better, I might atleast make an attempt. No, its not going oto happen. instead Im going to go to bed, and hiope to feel better by morning. Like thats going to happen.

"...You can look beside you, and your best friend will be there"

Thanks again for the help, with everything. Im here for you, whenever you need.

I just dont care right now

I dont know whats up with me right now, but i just really want to talk, but that not exactly possible seeing as im fucking stuck her ealone. Im so frustrated with everything and everyone, Im just at the point where Im ready to freak out at soomeone. I want to, butI dont want to make anyone mad at me. Everything is just irritating me, and I sdont know why. I just dont understand how I can get sat off like this over nothing. Nothing.

Fuck life, and everything to do with it.

Everything will change, but love remains the same

For a whole week, it would be nice to get sufficient sleep. I havent had any good sleep in a long time, and its starting to get the better of me. I dont know whats wrong, but I know that there has to be something... Waking up multiple times almost every night panting in a cold sweat isn;t usually a good thing. maybe it would help if I could remember what it was that I was dreaming, but I cant. Ive tried to think back, so many times, but theres just nothing.

I hate days like this, and as much as laying in bed all day is relaxing, its boring as hell. Right now I would much rather be donig something, anything, besides this. Im so bored, but Im too lazy to get my ass out and do something. Im just a walking mental case. Meh.

Until thoes rainy days ruin all your beach time, and your damned lies

Lately Ive been thinking a lot about the good old days. I miss them so much... Like the boardgames, the hanging out in the halls for hours doing nothing, creatures, out back, hide and go seek in the dark... the things we did when we were young were so much fun, and I really miss it. I really miss hanging out with you guys (JW, JE, KE)... We never really get to do anything anymore. We used to be so close, but now it just seems that were not who we used to be. I know that we all still share some interest and stuff, but its not the same. I know that i have changed so much in the last year or so... I don't know. I just keep thinking about all of the the stupid things that we did, the fights, the laughs, and everything, and it puts a smile on my face.
Forgive me for feeling nostalgic. Ha.

You made it right, but you didn't make it better

Today, I feel as though everything that is happening in my life is just there. Theres nothing thats standing out as great, or stupid, but its just all dull and gray. I need to start taking the advice that Im giving. Stop worrying. Its going to be ok. Dont let it get to you. Its nothing.

I need to stop taking everything so seriously. When Im talking to someone, half the time Im not truly paying attention anymore. I feel terrible for it, but it just happens. Instead of paying attention to the content thats spewing from your mouth, Im too busy paying attention to how its said, body language, and subtle hints. I have, need to stop that. Its just not helping anything, and its leading to me making a big deal out of everything thats insignificant. It just sucks.

I need you like a penny needs a wishing well

All I ever seem to do anymore is worry, stress, and overcomplicate everything. Its not like Im not haveing fun, Its just that when the day is over, and theres noone around, my mind gets fucked up. [Insert meaningless rambles here] Fuck. I just wish that I could be happy while Im alone, like I used to. I used to love my alone time, but lately, I hate it. I hate hate hate being alone, and its slowly eating away at me.

I would totally write more, but Im exhausted, and going to try to sleep.

I wish i had a reason
My flaws are open seanson
For this I gave up trying
One good time deserves my dying

:) this song makes me so happy

Dont think I dont think about it.

Excuse the following, im just not happy.



I dont know what is wrong with me, and its driving me mad. My apetite is fucked up, I keep feeling sick, I feel guilty for things that I know that I shouldnt, I havent really slept a whole night without waking up in over a month. I feel like Im not trying hard enough, like im not doing enough. Im just generally unhappy. Before this week, I tried to put on a happy face, so that noone would worry about me. I just gave up, because it was making me feel worse.



Guilt and overthough seem to rule my being right now. I just keep replaying the same thoughts in my head, over and over and over and over. Its gotten to the point where I just dont want to deal with it. I know that Im going to have to, and that this isnt just something thats going to go away... But I dont even fully understand the problem. Theres bits and pieces, but they never see, to fit, or even add up.



Stop listening to everything so skeptically. Stop taking everything that everyone says so literally. Think about the good that going to come. Everything will be ok. Have trust and faith. Dont let yourself get caught up in business thats not yours. Let go.

I better get to sleep. Work comes early.

Misery loves it's company

There is a problem here, with our society.
The absence of my tears is my sobriety.
I have a growing fear and you're not helping me.
Am I the only one who realizes it's true?

This verse just seems to describe how I feel at this point in time. Im feeling paranoid, scared, and guilty. ... There's only one person who will completely understand where Im going with this, but I feel the need to let it out.

I dont know why I think about it, because I have no reason to. I dont know why I just cant convince myself that everything will be ok, than nothing bad is going to happen. Nothing bad is going to happen, and everything WILL be ok. I just cant seem to shake the thought from my mind. I felt better after explaining what I feel on monday, but then today it fucking came back. I dont even think that the actual thought is whats bothering me the most, but the fact that Im even THINKING it to begin with and its frustrating as hell. I just need to keep trying to reassure myself that its nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. It really is nothing, and it really is driving me insane.

Anyway, its 1 am, and I should probably get SOME sleep, and then maybe I will be able to concentrate long enough to decypher my homework in the morning.

Let your light shine through me.
Take this hate I can't release.
Help me make the blind see.
Misery loves its company...


G'night.