Time, where have you gone.

Im at a loss of reason to do things. I feel like the more I try to do, the worse things get. Its driving me crazy, not knowing what i should do or say. Do I go with my gut instinct, or do I go with what i know is the right thing to do, or do I just let things be. This is getting tough. I just want things to be normal... But I know that they cant. Talk. Words come out, things are voiced, but nothing seems to be heard anymore.

Hurt. I dont like to see people that I care greatly about being hurt, but it seems to happen more and more often. I try to help, but it just seems like that its making things worse, not helping at all. I try, and I really do to make things better, to ease the pain, to sheild, but it only seems worse thereafter. I dont know. I cant stand to see people that matter to me being hurt by anything.. it really bothers me. Maybe thats why I get so moody when i think too much about this... about my part in this. In some weird way, I think that this is partly my fault...

Anyway, Im sorry if i have hurt you, done anything to, or said anything to do so. I do feel a little better about some things though, and Im really glad that I was told what I was a few nights ago... made me really happy, and made me feel like less of an asshole.

oh well, Im done for now...

Dont believe everything happiness says

This week has been so up and down, Im really surprised that I dont have whiplash. Yesterday and today were better, but not the greatest. Better than Tuesday, and Wednesday. Wednesday was probably on of my worst days in a very long time... and I still cant figure out why. I guess that I just had alot on my mind, over worrying, over thinking, over stressing... Being alone did not help at all. Sometimes I just cant be here, sit here, alone... It was the first time in my life that I had every truely felt alone in a crowded room.

Oh well, todays a new day, at it gets me closer to next weekend. "Headless roosters, liquor, and more!" Oh that cracked me up. I cant wait. Gonna be a good time... the parts i remember anyway :)

Thats all I got for right now, I dont want to thikn too much and bring out the worst of myself.

Your time is here, your time is up; All my guilt is wearing off..

Theres way too much for me on the plate in front of me. The expression "Eyes too big for your belly" fit here, somewhere... but in a different sence. I bit off a tiny bit more than I can chew. I help, help help help, butit doent seem to do anyone a whole lot of good. Im getting too worried. Why? Maybe for the wrong or right reasons.. but whos to decide? I worry. Its who I am, and I care. But maybe im worrying and caring a little too much.

SSince when did a pop bottle cap give the best advice? I should have listened to it. But if I hadnt, things would be completely different, and Im guessing that it wouldnt be pretty. Theres just to much to think about, too much to concider. Too much to say not enough time, not enough courage. Time heals all wounds? Well thats a crock of shit, because with time things just seem to snowball and get worse. Things get better, then worse. one step forward, 2 steps back. its like a heart monitor; In the way that it goes up and down, at times fluxuating, and the only time that its in a constant state is death.

Im done for now, with the nonsence that most dont care about. Thats all this, and everything else is, nonsence. The sooner that I can convince myself of this, the sooner that I can be happy and feel better. But thats probably a long ways off from now...

Dont think it dont get to me; between the work and the hurt and the whisky

I dont know why Im so down today. I dont know if its the lost sleep, coming back to things I dont like, the winter, the drama, the realizations, thinking, or if its just a combination of everything. It just sucks, and I dont want to be in a bad mood. but I am.

The trip to Europe was a blast. We saw so much in the days there, but what I saw I will never in my life forget. I cant believe that I got to be in the coliseum, see the Vatican, Wander the streets of Florence, Drink the Lemon Cello of Capri, Visit the ruins of Pompeii, See the mountains of Greece, The Parthenon in Athens, along with so much more. I had so much fun, new friendships, and made old ones tighter, and I am glad that I got to experience this once in a lifetime trip.

Ok, back to venting.

Im tired of school. I just want to be done with this year. As much as I know that Im going to think different in a week, thats just how I feel right now. Im just really sick of the work and the drama. I also just, dont want to be home anymore. or ever again really. As bad as that sounds, its the truth. I dont know why (and its not like I have it rough or anything, cause theres really nothing that bad about here) but I just cant stand being here.
Im also feeling really alone right now, probably because for the last 11 days ive had maybe 30 minutes of alone time, and I was ok with that. Every time that Im alone, my mind wanders to places that it doesnt need to be. I think about things that I shouldnt, and it just leaving me more messed up that I already am. I just want to be around people right now. Someone. Anyone.

I feel really distant right now. Not like im being distant from everyone, but rather like everyone is just so far away, and Im being excluded. I hate that feeling (and i dont even really know why im feeling like this) and just want it to go away. Ughh. I just need to have a long talk about life, and everything. i think that would make me feel so much better. probably not going to happen today, so Ill just sit here and stare at the wall, hoping that by chance of miracle will give me some answers to questions that few people can answer..