Wednesday, March 7, 2012

There ain't nothing like a memory, when it's coming on strong like a freight train

**Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I just wrote as the thoughts and memories came to me**

I don't even know where to begin. There's just so much floating around in my head right now... its frustrating and confusing. I still don't understand what happened or why... but all I know is that a great man and amazing friend is no longer with us, and it hurts more than I think anything has ever hurt before. It's something like nothing else... A constant nervous knot in the pit of my stomach that wont go away, a feeling that nothing is ever going to be the same as it once was.
And nothing is ever going to be the same. Ever.

This last week has been the toughest that I think I have ever had to face in my 21 years. We're to young to be dealing with this. At this age, we should be worrying about school and starting our lives as adults... we shouldn't have to deal with the loss of a friend. Not at this age. There was so much potential for Matt in this life, so much that he was capable of achieving. It just hurts so much that I am never going to be able to make new memories, that there will never be another night a Duckpond like the last one we all had, that he will never be there to call me emo ever again. What makes me feel better about this is that I was fortunate enough to be friends with such an awesome and inspiring person for 5 years, and that there were many good memories that we shared over that time.

I've been thinking a lot over the last week about all of the memories.
Like the day I met Matt.. when Brianne, Caitlin, and Steph Stirling invited me to go to the rez after an exam in grade 10. I especially remember Matt and Reg dragging Jessie into the water, and Matt chasing around Rikki's new dog, and then Matt and I walked as far as his house together.
Then there was Grade 11... when I first started hanging out in the breezeway, becoming a part of the group. Matt was always there in the morning, always willing to help me with my physics homework, which I would always leave until the last minute. There was rooming with Matt and Reg on the New York Trip. He was actually the one who convinced me to go on the trip, and I'm so glad that I did. There was the pillow fights with the girls, the Bandits trashing our room on the last night, and talking the while bus ride home. There was also the day of prom, when most of our group was going, but we went to Haley's instead. I remember walking from the school to the cook house, then to Matt's house to eat, and then walking all the way from his house to Haley's. We talked about the most random things that day. Something so simple like that, and it's something that I will never forget.

Then there was grade 12, where the breezeway was like a second home, and everyone up there was like a second family to me. Matt was still there almost every morning, still smiling even when everyone else was cranky. I remember the first party that I went to, which was the first time I ever got drunk. He was so proud that he helped to 'corrupt me'. All of those physics classes that we spent more time laughing and talking instead of paying attention. Europe, and all of the drama that went down. The Slap fights when none of us could sleep... the random talks about everything, the awesome hotel room that had two levels, and we all ended up sleeping in and had 5 minutes before the bus was leaving. There was prom party, sitting and talking around the fire in the rain until the wee hours. High school seemed like it was such a long experience when it was happening... but looking back it all seems like a blur. There were so many parties, so many hangouts... but some how it all seems like so little.

After Matt went to RMC, the occasions got less. But when we did get together, it was still like it had always been. Like nothing had changed. There was the first christmas party at Sam's, when we all has such a good time. Then when you came out and thought it would be such a big deal, but none of us really cared either way. You were still our friend, and it didn't matter to us if you were straight, gay, or bi. We were all just so relieved because we thought it was something bad... At the end of the next summer, there was that night at Duckpond when a bunch of is slept in the sand. That was a great night, singing songs, catching up... Matt telling us about how life at RMC was. I remember walking up in the morning, and there was 5 of us huddled together trying to stay warm, and then there was Matt, curled up in his blanket beside the fire, snoring away. Then there was the next Christmas potluck. Again, it was like we were all never apart. Everything was like we had been together the whole time. I think that was one of the greatest things about Matt; how even though you didn't get to talk as much, he still made you feel like there was almost no time since you last spoke. The second potluck was smaller, but it was still great... playing dirty minds and all just catching up. That was the night that that he called us his 'non-related Saint John family', and it was an honor to be considered that.

The next summer, which was this past summer, was the last time I got to see Matt. It started out as only going to get coffee with him and Cait, but it ended up being a whole day adventure. We had coffee, went back to Caitlin's, and ended up going to Brianne's, and Matt, Brianne and I went for a long walk and got to have a really great talk, then we didn't eat sawdust chicken (that's when I finally learned the story behind that), and Brianne drove us home. They dropped me off first, and when I got out of the car, Matt did too; and he gave me one of his big hugs, and said goodbye.
I Guess that's a nice final memory to hold onto, but it still hurts me to no end that there will never be any new memories to add.

Mathieu, I will never forget you. Your were such a kind, generous person, and a great influence. I might not be the most spiritual person out there, but I know that you are up there somewhere, looking down at us, watching over all of us. I know that you will always be with each of us in our hearts, and that I will see you someday again my friend. Until that time comes, keep an eye on us... we might need it.

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