Family thinking

My family and my friends are basically my world. This is not news.

My uncle was offered a permanent position in Fort Mac this week, and he and my aunt are considering it... I honestly dont know how I would deal with my three little cousins being that far away. They are the closest thing I have to brothers, and they are honestly like brothers to me. I have seen them all growing up, and I love to bug em and give them advice that I wish someone had given me. I love all three of them to death, they are more than cousins to me. through all of the family drama, the four of us stuck together, and I really hope that I dont have to see part of my family move to the other side of the country this summer.  I want to see Ty, Trav, and Zack grow up, and I want to be a part of that. I am the only big cousin to them that is a decent role model, and I want to help them to become great men. I know that all three of them will be great men.

This is me. (not finished)

Ok, so here goes how I see myself, everything that I can think of right now anyway.
I love and value my family and friends above all, because they are always standing right by my side no matter what. I am an overall decent person, and I know that I have my moments where I am a condescending asshole, and I know that no matter how much I hate it I know that I need a reality check every now and then. I'm neurotic, cynical, and bitter, but I love my life, and I love to laugh and be happy. I can be very opinionated and biased, and I hate being wrong, but will admit when I am. I am very stubborn and can be very hot headed, but I am pretty easy going overall; I give people respect and treat them accordingly to how they treat me. I've lived in the city my whole life, but I am a country boy at heart. I love almost everything about country living, and someday I see myself getting out of the city. I am afraid of spiders, losing people, death, and change. I make mistakes everyday. I don't believe in regrets, because everything happens for a reason, and there is always a lesson to learn. I'm stupid, but I am full of useless information. Helping people is definitely something that I love to do, and hope to do so in some sort of career. I love the quiet and hate it all at once, It's relaxing but too boring. Music is a big part of my life, almost every song that I like as some sort of memory or emotion tied to is. I am a very sentimental person, and I love to keep random things that hold memories. I am a caring person, and caring too much is one of my many flaws. I am also very egocentric, shallow, forgetful... the list goes on and on. I always seem to see the worst in everything, while at the same time trying to find the best in everyone. I have a tendency to always see everything in the worst light, and dwell on the decisions I have made. I worry about everything imaginable, and I am always analyzing what people say to me. I focus on body language and facial expression. I hate my physical appearance, very much. I am very shy and self conscious, and I hate being the center of attention. I really believe that the best way to release my anger or frustrations are talking it out, walking/running, writing, and good ol fashioned crying it out. Everyone needs a good cry now and then. I rarely love early mornings, and I love late night. I love my job sometimes because it can be rewarding, but sometimes I absolutely hate it. I'm not afraid of hard work, but at the same time I can be lazy. I'm very proud of where I came from and how I was raised. I haven't had the easiest life, but I know that I am very fortunate to have taken what I have from life so far. I love to travel, and will someday travel again. I'm very skeptical and indecisive. I hate making decisions, and I hate being dependent. I'm very afraid of letting people into my life, because I am afraid of someone having something to hold against me.I have a hard time letting go of things, except for grudges. Life's too short for holding grudges and not forgiving. Always forgive, but never forget. I strongly believe that the past is in the past, and that people can change but it's not always the case. I believe that love exists, and that it's not all that hard to find. I don't believe in love at first sight, it's called lust, love takes time to develop.

In the dark I see

The night before last I had a really fucked up dream... I don't know what it means, and it really freaked me out. It was painful.
I dreamt that there was a memorial-type service at glen falls school for Matt, and that a bunch of us friends were all sitting together to support each other. But then in the crowd I spotted Matt, and we all started freaking out.. he started running because he knew that we had seen him... then after chasing him all over the school we finally caught up to him... he explained that he faked his death and that he wanted to get away from everything, but it had nothing to do with us.
and that's it.
That's when I woke up. It might not seem like such a bad dream, but when you wake up thinking that your friend was still alive and here, only to realize that the dream wasn't real, it's heart wrenching... Realizing that he's still gone.
It felt like losing him all over again.

You're driving me crazy

It's so unbelievably awesome that after three years I have my best friend back. Glad that last night happened, I think that we needed it. Got some things off my chest, and it felt good.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

When I tell someone that I'll be there for them no matter what
I mean it.
It might have taken almost three years, but I have a really good friend back, and that makes me happy.

I dont know where my mind is right now...
Here I am again, for what feels like the millionth time. It feels like my head is going in a hundred different directions all at once, and it's making me feel sick. The weirdest part though, is that I'm not sad. I'm not depressed, and not moody like I've been every other time. This is different, but the same.
I know that I've been here before.
It's the same mixed feeling of walking down the street that I grew up on.
Theres the good thoughts, and the bad ones... the memories, the thoughts about the future...
It feels like there's a cyclone of thoughts in my head right now,
but this time everything is better, everything is going in a better direction
I am going in a better direction, And I'm pretty damn content right now.

Just a thought...

I was just thinking about the past, and how it is that I have getten to this point, how I've become who I am...
And I've realized that I owe everything that I am to so may people... There have been so many people in my life in the last decade that have helped to shape who I am. Friends, enemies, family, strangers, coworkers... It's really quite overwhelming when you think about it.
I cant even begin to unravel all of this, and it just blows my mind that there are people out there that have no idea of the impact that they have had on my life, and more likely than not many other's lives...
No body should ever think that they are worthless, that no one cares
because no matter how many people there are that say they don't care
there are ALWAYS the people that care,
and those are the people who would be devistated if you left,
and wouldnt be the same person if you weren't in their lives.
Think about that.

thisismylife

Under so much stress right now, need to keep focused but can't seem to.
Still can't shake the feeling I've had, can't evict it from my thoughts. Too much to think about, too many ways that this is wrong, too many reason's why this shouldn't have happened.
Too many things to worry about, not enough time in the day, not enough drive.
Forcing my emotions to stay inside and behind everything else is probably a bad idea.
A(nother) breakdown is probably sometime in the not so distant future, but I hope that my sanity can keep afloat until the 20th... for my GPA's sake, and for the sake of anyone who's forced to deal with me.

Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck,

Tonight, it hit home hard.

I tried to be strong, I tried to hold everything in...

I tried to not let everything get to me,

But today, everything just got to me. All of it. All at once.

I feel like I'm having a long lasting panic or anxiety attack...

I can't stop thinking about how this happened, why it happened, all of the unanswered questions, all of the thoughts running wild in my head. and on top of that, I'm worried about my grandfather, who is going to get a CAT scan tomorrow, I'm worried about school cause I can't focus, I don't sleep nearly enough, I don't eat very much either... and I'm worried about trying to be a good enough friend, I'm worried about trying to make everyone else happy...

I just can't hold all of this in anymore...

Everything just hurts so much right now.

I've never been through anything this painful ever in my life.

:'( I miss you Matt, I know that if you were here you would be telling me to stop being emo and try to cheer me up...

Fuckfuckfuck

I feel sick about all of this again.
I just wish I could now.
And at the same time, I don't think that I can handle knowing right now.
This is such a bad place to be in.
:(

It's like people love to just crush any confidence or self esteem I seem to get... Thanks for that.

And the confusion, frustration, and blahness continues...

I feel sick to my stomach over all of this... still.

I don't think that this gets much better with time. I think that this is something that we'll never forget about, something that is always going to be with us in our minds.

All of this in my mind, but at least I know that you're memory will always be with me too, Matt. Why'd you have to leave us? There's just too much in my head right now that is floating around and making me think... too many unanswered questions, and just as many answered ones that lead to conflict and confusion.

I just want to know... I just want answers... and I just wish that Matt was back here with us...

:(

I'm having a hard time dealing with all of this. I still can't seem to get my mind wrapped around it.
Death is something that I have never been able to properly deal with... not 9 years ago when we lost my great grandmother, not 6 years ago when we lost my great aunt, not 5 years ago when we lost my great uncle, not 15 days ago when we lost a good friend, and not now.
I don't understand it... Is it that I;m never going to see the person again? That I regret not spending more time than I did with them? That I am afraid of forgetting them? That I'm afraid of moving on?
I don't know what it is, but I wish that I knew how to properly deal with this... Still debating in my head whether or not to goo see a guidance counsellor, but it keeps sounding like a better idea everyday.

There ain't nothing like a memory, when it's coming on strong like a freight train

**Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I just wrote as the thoughts and memories came to me**

I don't even know where to begin. There's just so much floating around in my head right now... its frustrating and confusing. I still don't understand what happened or why... but all I know is that a great man and amazing friend is no longer with us, and it hurts more than I think anything has ever hurt before. It's something like nothing else... A constant nervous knot in the pit of my stomach that wont go away, a feeling that nothing is ever going to be the same as it once was.
And nothing is ever going to be the same. Ever.

This last week has been the toughest that I think I have ever had to face in my 21 years. We're to young to be dealing with this. At this age, we should be worrying about school and starting our lives as adults... we shouldn't have to deal with the loss of a friend. Not at this age. There was so much potential for Matt in this life, so much that he was capable of achieving. It just hurts so much that I am never going to be able to make new memories, that there will never be another night a Duckpond like the last one we all had, that he will never be there to call me emo ever again. What makes me feel better about this is that I was fortunate enough to be friends with such an awesome and inspiring person for 5 years, and that there were many good memories that we shared over that time.

I've been thinking a lot over the last week about all of the memories.
Like the day I met Matt.. when Brianne, Caitlin, and Steph Stirling invited me to go to the rez after an exam in grade 10. I especially remember Matt and Reg dragging Jessie into the water, and Matt chasing around Rikki's new dog, and then Matt and I walked as far as his house together.
Then there was Grade 11... when I first started hanging out in the breezeway, becoming a part of the group. Matt was always there in the morning, always willing to help me with my physics homework, which I would always leave until the last minute. There was rooming with Matt and Reg on the New York Trip. He was actually the one who convinced me to go on the trip, and I'm so glad that I did. There was the pillow fights with the girls, the Bandits trashing our room on the last night, and talking the while bus ride home. There was also the day of prom, when most of our group was going, but we went to Haley's instead. I remember walking from the school to the cook house, then to Matt's house to eat, and then walking all the way from his house to Haley's. We talked about the most random things that day. Something so simple like that, and it's something that I will never forget.

Then there was grade 12, where the breezeway was like a second home, and everyone up there was like a second family to me. Matt was still there almost every morning, still smiling even when everyone else was cranky. I remember the first party that I went to, which was the first time I ever got drunk. He was so proud that he helped to 'corrupt me'. All of those physics classes that we spent more time laughing and talking instead of paying attention. Europe, and all of the drama that went down. The Slap fights when none of us could sleep... the random talks about everything, the awesome hotel room that had two levels, and we all ended up sleeping in and had 5 minutes before the bus was leaving. There was prom party, sitting and talking around the fire in the rain until the wee hours. High school seemed like it was such a long experience when it was happening... but looking back it all seems like a blur. There were so many parties, so many hangouts... but some how it all seems like so little.

After Matt went to RMC, the occasions got less. But when we did get together, it was still like it had always been. Like nothing had changed. There was the first christmas party at Sam's, when we all has such a good time. Then when you came out and thought it would be such a big deal, but none of us really cared either way. You were still our friend, and it didn't matter to us if you were straight, gay, or bi. We were all just so relieved because we thought it was something bad... At the end of the next summer, there was that night at Duckpond when a bunch of is slept in the sand. That was a great night, singing songs, catching up... Matt telling us about how life at RMC was. I remember walking up in the morning, and there was 5 of us huddled together trying to stay warm, and then there was Matt, curled up in his blanket beside the fire, snoring away. Then there was the next Christmas potluck. Again, it was like we were all never apart. Everything was like we had been together the whole time. I think that was one of the greatest things about Matt; how even though you didn't get to talk as much, he still made you feel like there was almost no time since you last spoke. The second potluck was smaller, but it was still great... playing dirty minds and all just catching up. That was the night that that he called us his 'non-related Saint John family', and it was an honor to be considered that.

The next summer, which was this past summer, was the last time I got to see Matt. It started out as only going to get coffee with him and Cait, but it ended up being a whole day adventure. We had coffee, went back to Caitlin's, and ended up going to Brianne's, and Matt, Brianne and I went for a long walk and got to have a really great talk, then we didn't eat sawdust chicken (that's when I finally learned the story behind that), and Brianne drove us home. They dropped me off first, and when I got out of the car, Matt did too; and he gave me one of his big hugs, and said goodbye.
I Guess that's a nice final memory to hold onto, but it still hurts me to no end that there will never be any new memories to add.

Mathieu, I will never forget you. Your were such a kind, generous person, and a great influence. I might not be the most spiritual person out there, but I know that you are up there somewhere, looking down at us, watching over all of us. I know that you will always be with each of us in our hearts, and that I will see you someday again my friend. Until that time comes, keep an eye on us... we might need it.