The truth is better kept and left untold, you dont want to know.

I dont know what the fuck is up with me today... But I think it may have something to do with anexiety. When i went to work, as soon as I got in there I started to feel angry, tired, sick, and irritated. Within the first hour I was almost ready to tell some customers wher to take their coffee and donut and shove it... And I feel like a huge asshole for some of the things Ive texted tonight. All night I just couldnt stop thinking about everything. How everything is just taking me and twisting me around. I couldnt even concentrate on something. I got so angry that I almost lost it. And the worst part of this is, it want even brought on by anything in perticular. i think that its time for a change of scenery, and pace. I need to find a new job, i need to get my licence, and the most important one, I need to stop caring so god damned much. The smallest, most insignificant things send me over the edge, and one day Im just going to snap...

Im beginning to realize just how much of a negative person I can be. Almost all the time my problems begin from my mind turning everything into bad. If Im not with people, sometimes even when they're around, I only think about the bad things that come from things. Like right now, the people that I wanna be around right now are busy or working. Im thinking about how lonley I am and how bored I am going to be... When I should be thinking theres all kinds of people on line to talk to, theres over 30 movies here for me to watch, I can go for a nice relaxing walk, theres things I need to do, Applications I need to fill out... But I tend to not. It sucks. If anyone knows of a method that will help me with this problem, I would greatfully appreciate you letting me in on it. Please?

Another problem that I need to deal with is the past. I need to stop dwelling over the choices that Ive made, Things Ive said, and whats happened. "What If" seems ro cross my mind more and more often, and I know that I really do not want to know. I just dont. I must have said and done something right, because I am living a pretty good life right now. I have people to love and people that love me. I have a family that loves me and stands behind the choices I make, whatever they be. Friends that back me up and are there for me. And I couldnt ask for any greater. I need to realize that the past IN THE PAST, and thats where its going to stay. The future is ahead of me, and thats where I need to keep focused, however scarry it may be.

On another note, I want to thank you (you know who you are) for letting me in, and letting me help you. It makes me feel better, because you have helped me beyond anything I could do for you. So... Thank you.

Now for a word from our sponser

A thought Just came to my mind:
Im forever thinking about how much it sucks that I worry way too much about everything and everyone, stress about nothing, over think, and just feel crazy... But What Would I do If I didnt have to deal with that? What would it be like? Would I still have the same outlook, ethics, or even be the same me? Probably not. Life would be way more boring than it already is, and I dont think that Im ready or willing to deal with that. Sadly enough.

There, thats what I was just thinking about.

If I got what I wanted, I'd probably lose what I've had.

Yeah, so. Thinking that life would be so much simpler and better if I could....
Sleep more...
Focus on something without making it too meaningfull or lose meaning entirely...
Stop thinking negative...
Get a hobby...
Cut somethings out of my life...
Listen more to my Mom and grandparents...
Tell people what they need to know, not what they want to...
Do something better every day besides sit on my bed and facebook my life away...
Read more...
Vent more often...
Stop letting stupid, small, insignificant things get me to the point of almost falling apart...
Worry less...
Figure out what exactly I want in, and from life...


Well, today Ive hypervenelated twice, teared up once, and felt really faint and sick. Someone wanna tell me what the FUCK is wrong with me? Cause Im tired of trying to figure it out for myself,

Nothing to gain, everything to fear

Everything seems to go so great, everything falls right into place for a little while. Only for that little while, a secondminutehourdayweekmonthyear is everything so good that it feels almost perfect. But deep down inside, you know that its not perfect, that theres something hidden deep down that will eventually lead to the destruction of of the great moment in time. Weather its in your mind, your gut, or in your heart, you know it. Sometimes you may ignore it, others you listen.(I don't quite know who this all ties to the rest, but I just wrote as I thought, and this is what came out of it) But in the end, how do you know that the choice you made is the best choice?

I, being someone who thinks way too much about the unimportant details in life, have been thinking long and hard the last few nights about this. i think it was just Saturday night that I was asked, while in a slightly drunken state, about how we know that we've done the right things in our lives, and how would we know if they were the wrong. I didn't really comprehend at that second, but I did think about it.

What were to happen if we really could see into a universe where everything is exactly the same as it is in the actual one, aside from one choice that you made. What would be the outcome? Would everything still be mostly the same, or would everything be royally fucked up to the nth power? Ive though about this, as I said, and I don't think that i would want to know. Even though I spend many, MANYMANYMANYMANYMANYmanymanymany nights dwelling on the past and asking 'what if?', I would not want to see what life would be life after making different choices. I couldn't bare to see that maybe i would be so much happier without the friends and simple pleasures that I value so much. I just wouldn't want to know. Right now, at this point in time, and although i feel fucked in the head, and may not have the best life at times, I am happy with my life.

This brings me to another thing that I though about before drifting off into a slumber last night. ill give a bit of an explanation.. Last night we decided that we were going to play a drinking game. I never. Playing this game, a simple game, made me realize that i am so much more comfortable with my friends now than I ever have been. We talked about anything and everything, and now I know all there is to know about my two best friends(I love all of my friends and am close with more than a few people, but above all, Sam and Jared have been there for me the most in these last few months when I needed someone to lean on), and the same for them about I.

I hope that you guys really know how much you have helped me out since the first of the school year, and I hope that you also know how grateful i am. i honestly don't know what I would have done, but i know that i don't want to know, because I'm better off, and I'm at a better point in life, no matter how tough the going gets. Ill know that i will have you there for me, And I hope that you know that I'm here whenever, where ever, why ever, and however you need me.

Cue the tiresome mixed up thoughts;

Why do I continually let myself think about things until I get so worked up about them that I'm on the verge of a panic attack? It just keeps happening again and again, and Its really frustrating. Simple things shouldn't get to me the way that they do. Lately its been messing up my sleep, appetite, mood, and probably other things that I have failed to notice, and that's just leading to more stress, on top of exams and thoughts of university, a new job and getting in shape for the military.

In the last few days Ive been thinking aobut my relationship status (or lack thereof) and how I reel like every time that I like someone, I think mainly about the cons, and never go anywhere with it, and then when I feel up to it, its too late. Although Im not currently into anyone, the next time that I do like someone, Im just going to go for it and ask her out. (No, I dont like anyone... just sayin)

Gah I hope that after next week things will go back to being a little more normal. Maybe its just exams that are pusing my normal problems to the breaking point, maybe its that i havent figured out a solution for working if theres a snow day next week, maybe its the thoughts of not doing anything this weekend at all besides work. I dont know, but Im hoping that it goes away, very soon at that.

Wll, i feel that thatsa big enough dose of my thoughts for one day,
Until next time.

The way that I've felt in the past few months has been really weird. Its hard to describe... sort of like a feeling of guilt, mixed dread and fear. I still have yet to figure out why, but I think that I may have some ideas. I keep letting my mind wander to where my life is headed. I keeping playing scenarios over and over in my mind, waiting for the right one... And it seems that almost every day that graduation looms closer, I think more and more about what everyone is going to be doing, and how everyone is taking their seperate paths. I just want to find a path that involves the people who Im closest to. I never want to let them go. I know that this sounds a little weird, but I just dont want to be left alone; and it doesnt help that its one of my biggest fears.
Im so sick of sitting here almost every day, wasting my life on facebook, waiting for replies to stupid text messages. Why does it matter. Why does any of the stupid, daly drama that we face matter at all? If anyone has an idea, PLEASE let me in.

I dont know. Im starting to feel down, and thats not how I want to finish off my birthday.
Until next time...

A new year, a new beginning, a new me.

I need to learn from my mistakes, and move on. Im done, and now Im going to move on. Im growing so tired of this sitting and waiting. I know that I havent told you that I have feelings for you, but It would just be too complicated even if... Yeah. Im going to work on getting over you, and finding someone else.

Im going to work toward the goals that Im setting for myself, and Im going to achieve them. Im hoping that my friends and family will be here for me, because I will more than likely need a push, or even a kick. I need to hurry up, and make the decisions that matter, I need to be more staright forward with others, as well as myself. I need to find a path, map it out, and follow it. Maybe I will follow it exactly, or maybe Ill take a few wrong turns, detours, shortcuts, but the destination will stay the same.

I need to stop over thinking every tiny detail. I need to focus more on the big picture. I need to change a few things, and make myself a better person. I do concider myself to be a good friend, and generally a good person. But that's not good enough. I need to be nicer, help more, do better, and listen more.

In short, these are my newyears resolutions. find someone else. Get a new job. Join the reserves. Be a better friend/son/grandson. Think less about the things that dont matter, and more on the things and people that do. I hope to achieve them. This is the first time that I have actually thought long and hard about this, and I hope that it will work out as I plan.

I think that I have rambled on for long enough. Untill next time.