There's more than just me in here.

Somedays, I feel like there's something wrong... Like I have something along the lines of multiple personality disorder, like there is more than just me within myself. Conflicting emotions and thoughts, moods changing from one extreme to the next.
...
Right now Im feeling as lonely as I have in a long time, Im feeling depressed, Im feeling alone. But at the same time, I dont want to be around anyone. I want this peace and quiet, I want this space. And on the other hand, I really dont know what I want. I just want to be happy for more than one day at a time.
Fuck.

It's what we're all about

I want this to be done.
...
I want this to go on
...
Why the fuck am I so indecisive? Why I cant I just make a decision and stick with it? I want to move forward. I want to just forget about all this. I want to pretend that everythings alright. I put on a smile, but deep inside theres something missing.
I really need to take the time to figure out just *what* is missing.
Bleh. Fuck me.

Make up your mind, and I'll make up mine.

Haven't posted in a while. Ive been thinking about it, but I didnt know quite what I wanted to write. So here goes...

So I'm back home. Settled back to my old room, surrounded by the places Ive always known. As much as I'm glad that I'm home, I'm also glad that I left. I think I just needed a break from everything. Everything here was getting to me... I just needed out for a while.
I start back to work in a week and a half, and then everything will be back to almost the way it was.

There's been this 'thing' thats been sitting on the edge of my brain, always there... just drifting in and out of my thoughts. I dont really know what to do. Move forward from this, or go back and try to fix it. Are you right for me, or wrong? Are you what I want, what I need in my life. Ive been searching, thinking alot about it... But everytime I put it off. I shove it to the back burner.
Fuck, I just need to make up my mind... Goddamn my indecisiveness. I just dont know...

Well, thats everything on my mind right now.

Tonight Ive done a lot of thinking. Ive been up all night, and theres been so many things that have crossed my mind. Ive never been this homesick before, and I cant wait to be back there. Im lonely, but I know that its mostly my own fault. For some odd reason Ive been pushing people away since I came here. I miss everyone...

Currently Im sitting on my bed wrapped in a blanket with my window open. T
he sounds of birds, the crisp air. Spring is here, and the world is once again waking up from a cold slumber.
Even here in this big city, only about 25 meters from a busy street, the air is fresh, and I can smell a hint of woodstove.
The early morning sky is a pale blue, and the grass is green.
I can feel the chill, but its not cold. Its refreshing.


Until this morning, I forgot just how much I love this time of year. Its not too hot, but Its not cold. The mornings are crisp and life is coming back to the trees and the bushes.
Spring, Ive missed you.

A little something...

I wrote this the other night while I was trying to fall asleep. Its just something that may explain my distance from everyone lately. I really dont mean to ignore or avoid anyone, I just havent felt myself, or felt the emotions that I think would feel right. I just want to be back home, in the room Ive known for years, with the people Ive known for longer. I may be 19, an adult, but Im not ready for the real world... at least not all at once. baby steps I guess....
anyway. Here it is:

I sleep tp escape my reality;
But once sleep takes me over
I long to wake from the nightmares.
It's like a neverending cycle,
Of disaster and frustration.
theres no rest...
Long periods of nothing,
But never any rest.
I'm Just hurled from haunted dreams
To a life I could not dream of.
The cycle needs to be broken,
but how do I make my dreams
Turn from bad to good?
How do I make my reality
Just what I want it to be...
When I dont even know
What it is that I want it to be?
All I have seem to learn
Is what I dont want it to be.
And that Just doesnt seem good enough...
Nothing seems good enough right now...

...
Yeahhhh. I just wish that I knew what to do, or what I wanted to do. They say that all the troubles of life are worth it in the end. Im sure as hell hoping that it really is worth it...

I dont know what to feel,

What's done is done.

Who knows, maybe I will

When the morning comes,

Right now I'm still numb.

A friend came to be with a problem earlier, and it really made me think about the tough things that Ive gone through in the last few years. The struggles that Ive had to overcome to be able to function like a normal person. The thing is, I dont feel normal. I dont really feel much of anything lately. Yeah, I suppose that I have had my happy moments, but its been just that, moments. I really hope that its caused my my recent social detachment from the rest of the world... and I hope that this gets better when I go back home, start working again, start having a life again.

I just had a realization, and I knew that I needed to get it out before I fall asleep;
I live my life with a great deal of fear in it. Im afraid to take risks. Im afraid to let people down. Im afraid of the future. Im afraid that people think the wrong things about me, and this has to be one of my biggest downfall. I dont know how Im going to life my life if I dont get over always being afraid.
What brought this on... Well I was just thinking about how Im going to tell dad that I want to move back home... But Im AFRAID that hes going to be mad, AFRAID that I will dissappoint him. I know that deep down I need to live my life for me, and not everyone around me. Thus Im afraid of this.
But its what I want.

Dreams

After watching the Vancouver Olympic Games over the last few days, and and hearing what the athletes are saying... that they have had inspiration, that they've had a dream...
Well, it made me think. and I thought about this for the last 24 hours.
I cant recall ever really having a dream. Not the type you have at night in sleep. But the type where you want to have or to be something so much that you think about it every day all day. Ive never really had that.
Sure, throughout the last 5 or 6 years, Ive wanted to be a lawyer.
I didn't think that much about it, aside from that I wanted to help people, and to bring the guilty to justice. I decided against this, because I know that I can not withstand the stress and ability to be able to do the tasks that lawyers undergo each day.
Then, I wanted to be a Forensic Scientist. I still believe that I could, if I really put my mind to it, but threes not much need for that in this area for one, and I don't think that I could deal with the mental fatigue that came with the career (IE: seeing the bodies, dealing with the thoughts that this is what people can be capable of, etc)
My current career though is psychology, and I'm still not sure if that's what I want. I don't think about what my life would be like if this is what I chose to do with my life. I don't know If I really want this. I don't know.
This frustrates me, Cause I don't know what I want. I don't think that I ever have known what what I want. I HATE decisions, and at the same time I HATE not know whats ahead. I HATE not knowing how this work out... and I'm really frustrated with this... and I just wish that I had a goal for myself. That I had someplace that I wanted to get to.
I'm going to find this place, and I'm going to get to it.
Someday.

It's a wonder.

I wonder all the time
About odd little things
Whether or not you think about me
as much as I think about you
Im always wondering if things should be different
Like I should be back there...
I wish I knew what what was right or wrong;
black or white.
But right now, everything in my eyes are seen as grey..
Everything is the same, and I clearly dont know what to feel, what is reality, and what I should do...

My mind is a giant mess.

I don't know.
I don't know What I want.
I don't know where I want to be.
I don't know what I want to do.
I don't know who I want to be.
I don't know if I am where I want to be.
I don't know if this is right.
I don't even know who I am anymore... certainly not who I wanted to be at this point in my life.
I Know that I need to change myself, to get myself back on track.
I know I can do it.. but will I be able to? Can I find the strength to get up, dust myself off, and get back on the horse called life?
As much as I wanted to come here, to live here... I knew that it wouldn't be for me.
I knew deep down that Saint John is my home. And that it will be until I get out of there know what I want.. who I want to be.. where I want to be...
Ill be back home in a few months, when this will be less chaotic for myself. and my dad.
I'm going to wait until he gets back from Haiti to tell him that I want to move back home.
Its not living here, in this apartment that makes me want to move.. nothing like that at all. Its just that I miss home. I miss everyone and everything. I have nothing but Dad, Shelly, and Sassy here... Sure my two best friends are here, but theyre busy with school... and that's just not enough for me to make my life here...

March 24 2009

I found this while looking through some things..

3:15 pm
I wrote the following in my 12th grade English class, last year. I know exactly how I was feeling.. I can recall the exact thoughts...
Here it is, just so that you all can see into my thoughts from last year. Well, at least just some of them that I wrote on a page of loose leaf:

"Why do I continue to let stupid, petty things bother me? I tell myself day in and day out that I wont.. that I can't. It never fails. Stupid. Dumb. Pointless. I just want to get up and leave. Walk out, leave everything and go. Take a break from life and just be somewhere else. Anywhere.
Care. Love. Feel. Pain. Guilt.
Same routine...
Wash, rinse, and repeat. This is getting old.
There is a statement, rather a question written on the chalk board: 'Would you lie to protect a friend?' I'm bored, so I'm going to answer it..

Yes, I would lie to protect a friend, if it meant that the truth would hurt (them), and leave behind a disfiguring scar. I would have to consider. weigh the options in my mind. Would it really make everything better? Maybe. Would they get hurt in the end? Probably. But my main problem, caring too much, would make me instinctively want to shield them from the truthful pain. Ugh. Its confusing..

..I, like everyone else, have good and bad days. Lately more bad than good. It comes to my mind that it seems to be that my mood is a reflection of who's around me. I'm like a mirror. Scary. Blah.
Am I sane? No.
Will I ever be? No chance in Hell.
Who needs it anyway? Not me.
I'm content right now with having the best friends ever"

I know why I wrote every word of this, almost a year later...
Do you know why? Do you know how I was feeling, why I was feeling that way?
I highly doubt it... But I thought I would share this anyway.

Just my thinking. nbd.

There will always be thoes songs that will remind me of the memories. The good times that I had with someone who means alot to me. Every time I hear those songs... A shiver courses through my body. A memory runs thorugh my mind. And I am left thinking about what is now the past.
This happens to me, on a daily basis.

I guess Im sentamental. I guess I wish things were different then they are now. but what I know is that there is nothing that I can do to go back. To change things. To fix things.

So I guess that leaves me with my hopes. my dreams. my wishes. and my knowledge.
The knowledge that this is now. The knowledge that this is where I am, and there is nothing I can do to erase the past. All I can do is shape my future.
And remember the memories that come back to me, with every song that is played.

Resolution time. Two weeks late, but whatever.

I have just decided right now, about two minutes ago, that I am going to try my best to stick to one new years resolution:
To be nicer to the ones who I havent been that... kind to in the past year. Its a new year, and has been for two weeks. Its time to make changes in my life, and this is where I feel that I need to start. Reg, you probably know what Im talking about... and I am going to try to be nicer.

...Just thought I'd let you all know.

My mind: with 100% chance of hazyness

Just for a minute, sixty seconds, I wish that there was nothing clouding my thoughts; altering my perception of what I want and need. I try to think about what I want from life, and how I want to get there... But it never ends with concrete thoughts. I dont know where I was going with this, but Ive been sitting here, trying to think.... and theres just so much going on in my head right now, so many ideas and memories and people and places and circumstances. I cant think straight, and its really bothering me.