The best days of my life.

Just some random things on my mind...
I think about the old times. Every day. I miss the times when everyone was together. When I saw my friends everyday. There are constant reminders of the memories; The pictures on my wall, the songs that we sung in the car, the stupid shit that we did. Grade 12 was by far the best year of school. Aside from a few things, and even though I was quite miserable for a bit, I would relive it in a heart beat.
---
The little things that Ive done with people, are the most memorable. I can picture them in my mind, like it had just happened. I can close my eyes, and remember the time that I went sliding in Sam's yard with her and Jordan... When I was sitting on the curb outside of the Roman Colosseum and got a text message from Jared saying that I was missed and that the hail sounded awesome on the roof of the barn... When Reg Sam and I went for a random drive in June, and found a Pylon to drive into. The most random, insignificant things, are the best memories I have with my friends. Most days, I think of something random Ive done with someone, and find myself thinking it was a great time, and I cant wait to do something random, stupid, fucked up, and fun again.
---
I realized this weekend after spending a day with my cousins, that they look up to me. It had never Ocured to me before then that I have three young kids that look up to me. they respect me, listen to me, and treat me like I was their big brother... and realizing this made me very happy. I feel really.... good about myself. Knowing that who I am is who these 3 kids want to be like, and knowing that theyre going to miss me made me feel really good about myself.

Hmmm... i cant really think of anything else that I want to say right now.... So I guess thats the end of this.

as painful as its going to be, as much as Im going to miss everyone, and everything that Im leaving behind.. I still cant wait to leave. This weekend has been eventfull in a way, and after this, I can still say that I am going. I need this.
...
And I wish you were coming with me. You know who you are...

Whats the use in fighting, if you know you lost the war?

Oh hi. I've gone back to driving myself slowly insane from thinking about the same circle of things again and again. This is not cool, and its starting to cramp my happyness. Why isnt there an on/off switch for the part of my brain that does this to me? UGH.

If I could see the future and how this plays out...

I really need to stop over analizing. Im doing it again. Ive noticed myself gauging peoples reactions, their body language, and the tone of their voice. I dont know... Im at a standstill once again. How I felt from what I wrote in my last blog.. how I dont have feelings for anyone, yeah. Well I do. And I really didnt think that I did, until a few hours ago. UGH. I dont know what to do, or think at this point.

...Im off to bed. Maybe thinking about this too much isnt a good idea, but thats exactly what going to happen.

Ok... so Im in Reg's room... quite druynk cause I havent rank in a month.. but I dont even know what Im feeling right now. Normally when Im drunk.. I have feelings for SOMEONE... bu I dontr feel anything for anyone.. and its weird. Just thought I would fill everyone in. G'night world.

Sometimes, I wish that I didn't have any decency in me... that I wasn't a good person. That I could make people feel how they make me feel, and make them realize how much it sucks and hurts. But I was told tonight that I'm too good for that. Sometimes... I have trouble believing it.

It's a wonder Im not in an insane-assylum

Sometimes I wonder; Do I have the same effect on my friends as some of them have on me? Because I have some friends that when I'm with them or talking to them, My mood gets better. My life seems that much better for that amount of time. And because its a great feeling... I'm left sitting here wondering... Do people feel the same way about me? Do I make people as happy as they make me?
Yeah, that's just a random though that I had today. Today's been good, for the most part. But Ive also been thinking about the lack of.. excitement for lack of a better word.. in my life. Ive become just what I never wanted to. My life, aside from something random here and there, consists of working, eating and sleeping. I really do anything besides that. I come home from work, take a nap, eat supper, lay around and facebook creep for a few hours, take a shower, go to bed around 10 pm, and start it all over again. I'm always tired, but I'm beginning to think that I'm just tired of the routine. I cant wait for a change...
Whatever, Ill suck it up and deal. Some excitement in my life would do me some good though. It would make me happy, and give me less time to think, which it seems that I do more and more of every day. Its not good, and pretty soon its really going to get to me. I keep telling myself to stop thinking... to stop getting my hopes up when I know I shouldn't, and to stop over analyzing everything. But as much as I try, I still thinkthinkthink, and its slowing eating away at me.

I should be thankful, but my mood says be hateful

Today, is supposed to be a day for giving thanks. And as much as I am thankful for everything in my life... Today is just not my day. Im cranky, and everyone around me today just seems to want to try my patience.. and my patience are quickly wearing thin.

Im tired of family drama, Im tired of thinking, Im tired of sitting here every night, Im just tired of this place. I love living here, I love my family with all of my being... but some of them just need to with mind their own business or shut their mouths.

Another reason for this bad mood that Im in is that in the last four days or so... Ive been thinking about the times that I miss with a certain friend that I barely talk to anymore. How much I miss the talks that we used to have, that we used to hang out all the time, the jokes and the farm and everything. I really miss this friend and the good times we had. I really wish that we were still as good of friends as we were a few months ago. But whaever. Youve changed and you're not who you used to be. Oh well, thats life I guess.

...and now, its time to focus on starting the next part of my life.

The things I hate;

Ok, so back in February when I was really frustrated with life and depressed, I made a list of things that I hate. I didnt intend on it being this long, but I just kept going and going... I was reading it a few nights ago, and now Im going to post it here for your entertainment.

The thigns I hate:

1 Being alone

2 Talking on the phone

3 Not knowing things

4 Headeaches

5 Hangovers

6 Stress

7 Not knowing what to say

8 Being ignored

9 The stupid gloves at work

10 Work

11 Not sleeping

12 Beign awoken suddenly

13 Television

14 Talking on the phone

15 My Cell

16 Pencils

17 Reality TV (Minus Big Brother)

18 Saint John

19 Living in the city

20 Talking to strangers

21 Grinding sounds

22 Swimming in the ocean

23 The after taste of dairy

24 Fake cheese

25 Mark Tukesbury

26 Waiting

27 Feeling jealous

28 Movies on tv

29 Metal touching my skin

30 Wearing wet clothes

31 Packing

32 Not living near my best friends

33 Being dependant

34 Being left out

35 Wearing clothes

36 Clutter

37 Not having motovation

38 Salt

39 People who act dumb

40 Most of the population of this city

41 Snow

42 When plans get ruined

43 Broken promises

44 Being or feeling sick

45 Nail clippers

46 The radio

47 Overplayed songs

48 When I forgt what i was thinking about

49 Chlorene

50 Hats

51 Letting my mind wander

52 Pepsi (I drink it anyway)

53 Deleting text messages

54 Having secrets about certain things

55 Being so nosey

56 Procrastinating

57 Losing things

58 Stupid music

59 50 Cent, just die already

60 TRANSGLOBE

61 Feeling guilty over nothing

62 My hair

63 My bed

64 when headphones break

65 When people are mad at me

66 When people dont tell me whats wrong

67 Being the last to know something

68 Being misinformed

69 Feeling stupid

70 When people humm obnoxiously loud

71 Wearing glasses

72 Bad memmories

73 Drawing vector diagrams

74 Mornings

75 White walls

76 Thinking about food when im full

77 Sneezing/caughing in a silent room

78 Making noise

79 Silence

80 Not having a completely dark room to sleep in

81 Not hanging out with people I used to all the time

82 Not having any real talent

83 Thinking about the future

84 Not knowing what im going to do with the rest of my life

85 Laying in bed all day, as nice as it may sound

87 Being torn between two things/people

88 Being caught in the middle

89 Lying

90 Lying short

91 Being addicted to facebook

92 Not being able to text people

93 When people dont reply to texts

94 Chemistry

95 Socks

96 Breaking down

97 Not having plans

98 Making decisions

99 Telemarketers, although I understand its their job

100 Worrying

101 Waking up in the middle of the night

102 Not understanding simple concepts the first time they're explained

103 Homework

104 Gangsters

105 Liars

106 Phoneys

107 Having to repeat myself

108 My voice

109 Bad grammar/spelling

110 Shaving

111 Change

112 Too much routine

113 Pants that dont fit

114 Oversized clothes

115 Not knowing the exact words to a song

116 Hesitation

117 Oversleeping

118 Alarms

119 Recieving prank calls

120 Not telling people whats really wrong

121 Not knowing what really wrong with myself

122 Bees

123 Awkward silences

124 Not having things work out (you'd think i'd be used to it)

125 Jewerly

126 Being late for anything

127 Slow computers

128 Vista

129 Gross cereal

130 Axe body spray

131 Doing dishes

132 Crying

133 Not talking to my parents enough

134 Not having plans for the future

135 Stephen Harper

136 Over analyzing everything

137 Being anexious

138 Throwing up

139 Pepto bismal

140 Ties

141 Anexiety

142 Over analyzing everything

143 Cold rain

144 Fog

145 Overly loud music

146 Annoying people

147 Water in my face

148 Gross looking toy dogs

149 Fat on my meat

150 Tough steak

151 Boats

152 Deep water

153 Being unexpectedly touched

154 Being tickeled

155 Telling people how i feel

156 The name vern

157 Movies with shitty endings

158 The show Lost

159 Weather men

160 Exhaustion

161 Being bored

162 Not having someone to talk to

163 Not paying attention (I am sorry, it happens frequently)

164 Hotmail

165 Internet lag

166 Cold feet (literally)

167 Cond feet (figuratively)

168 Poetic devices

169 Shakespeare

170 Feeling angry

171 Feeling depressed

172 Wanting something I cant have

173 Being hungry

174 The feeling of a full bladder

175 Eating too much

176 Feeling greasey

177 tucked in blankets

178 Feeling mentally unstable

179 Instability

180 Losing grip

181 Reality

182 My addictive personality

183 Knowing that there are 1000's ov songs to suit how Im feeling at this exact point in time

184 Feeling disconnected with reality/everything

185 Not spending enough time doing things I know I should

186 Not trying hard enough

187 Failing mysef

188 Telling myself Im not going to do something, and end up doing it in the end

189 Sucicdal thoughts

190 Homocidal thoughts

191 Being single

192 Internet explorer

193 Firefox(I hate it more)

194 The truth (Not always, but most of the time)

195 Itunes

196 The sick feeling of impending mysery that I keep feeling

197 Throwing up

198 Being left handed

199 Smudged ink

200 Being backstabbed

201 Being let down

202 Letting myself down

203 wanting to be non existant

204 Being interrogated

205 Caring so much

206 Being hurt easily

207 Blisters

208 People, in general

209 Losing people

210 Losing anything

211 Sleepless nights

212 Diving into water

213 Whiney children

214 Blood

215 Fear

216 Seing people I love actually scared or hurt

217 Hurting people I love

218 Weekends

219 Drugs

220 Flies

221 Sunburns

222 Linbs falling asleep

223 Video Games

224 Heights

225 BILLY (Ha, yeah.)

226 Sluts

227 Puking

228 Cats/dogs licking their crotches in my presence.

229 Sticking to leather seats

230 Throwing up

231 Giving advice for the fear of giving the wrong advice

232 My handwriting

233 Giving directions

234 Evaluations at work

235 Messy cars

236 The smell of sour milk/cream

237 Elevators

238 Heights

239 The dentist

240 Public washrooms

241 Falling

242 Not remembering dreams

243 Nightmares

244 Recouring nightmares

245 Not remembering someone

246 Songs that make me cry

247 Body hair

248 Being under the drinking age

249 Asking people to buy liquor

250 Waiting for someone to come online

251 Yahoo, although i use it.

252 Wanting to talk, but not being able to

253 Blisters

254 Toothaches

255 Being mopey

256 Hairnets

257 Fighting back tears, cause I cant do it.

258 Seeing people I care about crying

259 Punching walls

260 Pitty

261 Religion

262 Getting my hair caught in a car door (ha, shitty time)

263 People who bathe in cologne

264 Towels that DONT ABSORB SHIT ALL

265 Drooling

266 Giving up too easily

267 Feeling used

268 Confusion

269 Easily confused people

270 Not having cell service

271 Seeing things

272 Tomatos

273 When tomato juice gets in small cuts

274 Cold showers

275 Puzzles

It's no suprise I won't be here tomorrow; Can't believe that I stayed 'till today

I don't know what exactly to write about... but there's all kinds I want to get out. I'm just not too sure about how to put things.

So, Ill start off with something that's on my mind quite frequently. I like this girl... who also likes me. and as much as I really want to go out with her... I don't know how it would work. Maybe if we lived closer... maybe if we were able to see each other more.. there would be a better chance of things working out better. I dunno. Things may change. only time will tell where this situation will bring me. But I'm hoping that its somewhere good.

Anyway, Ive been thinking a lot about changes... changes that I'm going to make. I cant post anything exact here for a certain reason, but if you want to know whats going on I'm sure that Ill be glad to tell you... but just on where the whole world can see. Back to what i was saying; These changes are, well, going to change my life in a big way. I don't exactly feel like a kid anymore, due to a level of maturity i have gained and the responsibilities I have.. but I'm going to feel more like an actual human being who is a part of society.
Partly, this freaks me out a lot, but I feel that this is something that needs to be done, to better myself, and to better my future. I'm also very excited, because this is something Ive been thinking about very long and hard for almost 2 years... and I'm going to do it. It makes everything a lot easier and makes me feel so much better that the people who I have told (my family and a few close friends) are happy for me, and are not standing in my way. Thank you for that, it really does make a difference in my thought process.

In the last little while, I've come to the conclusion that I have lost a really close friend. Not lost all together, but we're not longer close, and I don't feel like I even know them anymore. I used to be able to talk to them about anything and go to them for advice. But I don't feel like I can any more, and I'm accepting it. I have never, or will never replace them, but I've moved on and made other friendships stronger.

So, that's just a little look inside my head, and whats been going on in there lately.

Oh, and also, I'm still missing everyone like crazy. I don't ever want to lose contact with any of my friends, and hope to have them for a long time to come. Even through the distance, I'm still here for any and all of you, if you ever need anything. I'm only a message or call away. :)
Later

Thinking too much gets me nowhere, except crazy....

...More to come, when my mind is less mixed up and I can think in a clear(ish) train of thought.
Good night world.

idontknowwhatiwantanymoreanditsslowlyeatingawayatmymind.... :/
(theres only like 2 people who will understand this, a few who think they do but really dont, and lots who have no clue. ps its not what your probably thinking... yes that makes sence)

Here comes goodbye...

Ok, today is tough. Some of my closest friends have left. and Tomorrow I leave for Halifax for a week. my two best friends are also leaving, and I dont know how Im going to cope. I think that its going to hit me later when im alone. Ughhh this is going to be a rough time.
And on another note, Im sick and tired of people. Certain people. I really do not understand how people could be so fucking dumb and blind and errgg. Blahhh. Im done. thats it. Im fucking done. The expression "You made your bed, now lay in it" fits perfect here. I hope that theres no wondering why things turn out the way they do, cause people bring it upon themselves.
:) have a fan-fucking-tastic day.

blahblahblah.

Ok. the happiness is fading. I spend my afternoon napping off a hangover and just thinking... and the thinking didnt really get me anywhere. Last night, well from what i can remember, made me think about how much that I really wish that I could go to school this year. Theres reasons that im not, like my lack of money and im not completely sure what i want to take. But im very very terrified that when next year rolls around that I wont go back; that I wont have enough motovation... and its eating at me.

Anyway. This summer has been the best that ive experianced. Yeah, ive been working 40+ hours a week, but ive also had so much fun. And as this month nears its end, I keep thinking more and more about how much im going to miss everyone. The majority of my closest friends are moving. Two of my three best friends are going to be in other citys, and I feel like the third wont be around much. I honestly dont know what im going to do without most of my friends around. this last year has been the greatest ever, ive made some amazing friends, and made friendships better. Theres been so much fun, and im so scared that Im going to lose touch with these people.. and Im going to do everything I can to keep that from happening.

its amazing how much better that typing this out made me feel.

People talking shit; but they can kiss the back of my hand

Happiness is something that Im feeling a great deal of lately. Im spending alot of time with my friends having lots of fun and doing new things and living my life to the fullest. Ive made a new best friend, and Im going to be really said when he moves in a few weeks, but Im sure that well have a blast until then and that there will be good times to come. ...But theres also been alot of pointless high school drama lately, and im not letting any of it bother me. Its not worth it, so Im letting it drop. Im done with high school, so therefore I am also done with the type of drama. Ive washed my hands of this; Done. But anyway...
Im more active because of the 200 diet experement... although 200 is a very big number. haha, I think that were going to cut it down a bit and work up to 200. I do feel alot better after going for a nice jog (when i dont a horrible leg cramp lol) and I think that Im going to go to the gym either tomorrow or tuesday after work, depending how tired I am and how much this STUPID SUNBURN hurts... ha.$

Another reason for my happiness lately is that Karissa and I are going out, and Im realy excited! I really like her, and cant wait to get to know her better than I already do. :)

My brain is all over the place today, so I think that this is it for now. Maybe when I feel better later Ill write some more.
Until later.

I got all I need, and thats all right by me.

It seems like its been forever since Ive posted last. Ive been on the go so much lately that I really havent had any time to... But I figured that I would tonight before I go to sleep. So, here goes.

Ive been doing alot of thinking lately, and not really about anything in perticular... Just thinking. and Heres what ive come up with:
-My friends are the best I could ask for, and Im glad that I have them... and some of my closest friends are leaving next month which is going to be a little painful.
-I dont need a relationship to be happy, Im fine on my own right now. I have the rest of my life to deal with that.
-Im focusing more on the present than the future, and its working alot better for me.
-Im not letting things bother me like I used to before. I still care, but Im just not sweating the insegnificant problems.
-I want to travel. I always knew this... But Im realizing just how much I long to go back to Rome, Cuba, NYC, Athens and someday go to France, England...
-I really, need to get into shape. I know that Im not obese, but Im not happy with my body. I need to get a gym membership or something.

And Im pretty sure that theres more, but I cant really think of anything else off the top of my head. Even though that everything in my life isnt perfect, Im completely happy. work is great, I couldnt ask for better friends, all of whom I love, and I want to do and try new things as much as I can. I want to experiance life, live it to the fullest. this summer has been the best ever so far, and it can only get better.

I hope that everyone can take a look around, forget the bad things, think about now, and have some fun. This is our life, our summer... make the best of it :)

Watch out for crazy dresses, they are bad news.

Today has been one of the greatest days of my summer. I had a great sleep last night, and woke up feeling rested and happy. I relaxed and listened to music most of the morning, made a quesadilla for lunch, and just chilled for the afternoon. I was brought home some cherry coke, and had the best pizza in the world for supper.

Then I went out with Laura and Reg, 2 of my closest friends, to just hang out and talk. We caught up after not really seeing much of eachother since graduation, talked about all kinds of stuff. Had some laughs, some fun, a good walk, and some nice scenery at Rockwood park. it realy is beaytiful there while theres not so many people around. For anyone that wants a nice evening walk, I recomend it :)

Afterwords we went to Tim Hortons, talked some more, then decided it was time to head out to Baines Corner to bring Reg home. We took a longer way, and before we got to his house he pulled over and stopped the car. We got out, and looked up.

There were a few things that i realized today, and one of them was that the most beautiful sight in my eyes is a dark night sky that is full of stars. Theres just something about seeing thousands of tiny lights that are so far away that just seems to trigger philosophical thoughs. Thats the main reason that I hate living in the city, its a rare chance to ever see something like that around here.

Anyway, we decided to be philosophical, and Reg asked: "If there was one thing you could change about the world, what would it be?". I had to think for a second, but the first thing that came to my mind was the cruelty of man. I dont know why exactly, but I feel that this would make a huge difference... Everything would just be so much better.

Anyway, that triggered more thinking, and then I thought about how much i have changed lately. im more tolerent, I dont let things get to me, I dont hold things in, and Im putting my priorities in order. This is in turn causing me to be a much happier person... And Im really liking this. Im really seeing that my friends and family are the greatest gift to me, and Im going to try harder to not take them for granted; not for a single second.
Anyway, thus ends my blog for tonight, Im hoping to have more days like today, cause it was just great.

Pay, to the order of Bastarache, Corey.

Happy, yet frustrated. How is it that I can be so happy with things, and at the same time Im frustrated to no end... Ah, I just wish that I could clear this up in my mind; But every time that I think I understand, and everything seems to be great, my damned brain has to make it worse than before. This doesnt only apply to one thing, but several. Oh well, my crazy mind and I will just have to work at this, get through it.

I have lots of things that I know I should get out of my head... But I just feel like Im unsure of my thoughs. If that makes sence. Soo, until I untangle my mind, thats all for today. Something good might come out of this weeekend, who knows. I hope so though :)

Ps, my pay stub is sitting in front of me, thats where the title came from... if you might have been wondering.

I'm just trying to keep this together; Cause I could do worse and you could do better♪

Today... Im in a rather weird mood. I dont even know what to call it; Its sort of like every second it switches between stress, happyness, lonelyness, boredom, tired, and frustration. Its... different. Besides working this morning, I really havent done anything besides lay in bed and sleep a little. I think thats why Im in a weird mood, because Im back to having nothing better to focus on but thoughts and memories, and that just leads nowhere good for me. This whole last four or five days have just been different. Ive gone from a very low to high, and now Im just mostly content... mostly.

Thursday and Friday were great; There really isn't much better than hanging out with 2 of your best friends, singing along to music as you fly down some back roads, eating steak and potatoes, sneaking into abandoned places and finding all kinds of cool things, acting like retards, and even just watching some tv. Those 2 days have just made things so much better... and now Im happier. I can see that things have changed, and Im hoping that they will stay good like this... cause losing your best friend sucks.

Im done for now, although I still have alot in my head... but that will wait for a time that I have sorted out my mental issues (lol)
Peace (:

I have alot of things that need to be put here...

..But Im going to leave that for tomorrow or sunday. All I have for right now is that I am completely happy and content for the fitst time in a while, and it feels really, really good. Yesterday and today were great, thanks guys :)
Im going to bed now, work comes fairly early.
Ciao.

Just need to say a few words.

The following does not apply to everyone:

I havent really had too much to blog about these days. Ive been pretty content, and this is mainly where I let out my frustrations out. Sooo, For right now all I have to say is Im tired of bullshit. Im tired of drama. Some people out there need to grow a spine, cut the fake shit, live for yourself, take a look around and realize what youre doing, see people for who they really are.... and the bigggest thing, GROW THE FUCK UP. Im done dealing with people who dont have even a hint of decency, honesty, and maturity. Talk to me when you right yourself. have a nice fucking day :)

To the greatest friends:

I've decided, that since there is not only a limited amount of space in a year book, but there's also not alot of time to think of what to write, to write a message here to those who have been there for me throughout the last year of my life. ... So, here goes:

Jared.
Man, I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't met you this year. In just these last nine months, you've become the best, most trustworthy and loyal friend that I have ever had. Although there may be some bickering here and there, Ill always be here for you, no matter what... any time any place. I hope that you will in turn be there for me. I have changed alot in the last year for the better, and you've helped with alot of it. Thank you, very much, for everything. I know that you'll always have my back... and I'll always have yours. There have been some great times, and I know that there will be many more in the future. This summer is sure to be a good one.
Whatever it is that you chose to do with your life, I'm sure that you will be great at it, and I hope that it brings you happiness, because you deserve it. I refuse to say goodbye, because I know that this isn't the end.

Sam.
You are a special one... And I do mean that in the least sarcastic way possible. You're a great friend, always listening to me, being a shoulder to lean on.. and cry on. We've seen each others ups and downs and everything in between, and it's done nothing but make our friendship stronger. I'm glad that Ive had the opportunity to have you as a part of my life this year, and I don't know how I'm going to cope next year without you being here every day. I know that we'll never lose touch, because there is no way that I would let you! If there is every anything you need, or if you just want to talk, Ill do the best I can for you. Thank you for everything, Sam. I know that you'll do great next year. Love you!

Josh.
You are a pretty awesome guy, and a great friend. I hope that you realize that this year would have been rough without you. You always know how to make me laugh and put a smile on my face whenever I'm down. I want to thank you.. for our talks, the good times, and even the bad times. I know that even if one of us were to move away, that we wouldn't lose contact, and would still be great friends. I hope that you will still be my friend well into the future. If you ever lose your way on the path that is before you, trust your instinct and your heart. They will lead you to where you'll be the happiest. I know that you will do great out there in the big world.

Laura.
I've known you since grade 9, but getting to know you this year has been a great experience. You are another person who without, this year would have been dreadful. I know that I can talk to you about anything, and you wont think any different of me. You always know when somethings bothering me, and you're usually right.... even if I say that I'm fine. Sometimes I think that you know and understand me better that I do. I hope that I will never have to say good bye to you, because I want to be friends with you for a very long time. Find something out there in the world that makes you happy, because you deserve a happy life full of love.

Emily.
You are amazing, sweet, and a really great friend. I just know that we're going to end up spending hours on the phone next year, whenever you need to vent. I'm for sure going to miss the crazy-random-effed-up conversations that we had daily. Life will never be the same without accounting class that's for sure. If there was anyone that I shared personal, privet, embarrassing, and weird secrets with, I'm glad it was you. When you find the balance between your heart and your head, you will find someone that you deserve. Anytime that you want to talk, about anything, Ill be right here for you.

Reg.
You're a pretty awesome guy. I know that we haven't really been that close, buy I consider you one of my closest friends, and I'm glad that we've gotten to be better friends this year. This last year wouldn't have been as great If I didn't call you a friend. In the last few years there have been some great times like the rez, NYC, and just hanging out. I think that we need to make this summer one to remember, before some of us go and leave. Hope that you have fun in University, but remember to keep in touch. You're going to do some great things with the knowledge you've got.

Jessie.
Oh Jess, where do I start? The last two years of your friendship have been great. The memories that I've made with you, even the ones that I cant quite remember first hand, will stick with me for life. As you said, "unforgettable, unrememorable nights". We're going to rock the summer, and make some fresh memories to get me through the next year without you. I never want our friendship to end, and I know that it won't. Love you, and if there's ever a time that you need something, I'll be there for you.

Haley.
Another person that is going away next year. What will I do without my favourite life of the party? this year and last year have been so much fun, and I with that the good times could just last forever. The real world is coming, and fast. That means that we have to get all of the partying done before September. You really are a great person and a great friend, and my life would be totally different if you were not in it. I'm gong to miss you, and I hope to never lose contact.

Stephanie.
Wow, thinking back to that grade 10 art class, I see you and I. Right now, I see grade 12 art with the both of us... Only we have both changed tremendously. I loved you then, and I still love you now. I know that I will never lose you as a friend, because you know that I wouldn't be able to deal with it. Tough friendships aren't so easy to come by, but I think you and I have one. I wont miss you, because I know that you're still going to be here. Good luck out there in real life... Remember that I'm here for you.

To anyone that I failed to mention.
No, its not that you don't matter or anything like that at all. I love all of my friends, and If I had the time and energy to write a paragraph for every one of them i would. But sadly, I don't. So I just have to say this: I hope that the future brings you everything that you dream of. I hope that you all find happiness and love out there. If a time ever comes that you need something, don't hesitate to ask. I want to spend all the time I can this summer with friends, having the time of my life, and I really hope that everything works out for everyone.
To the few that I'll be leaving behind at Simonds: Make the best of the time you spend there. Even at the worst of times, in the most boring classes, there are plenty of memories to be made. Live a little, have some fun, be safe, and don't get too carried away. You're going to miss it. I never imagined that I would, but I already do.

I guess that's all. Ill see you all out there in the real world, but not before I have me some fun.

Im sitting here, and the dining room table drinking with a few friends... and theres alot going through my mind right now... I cant really explain, cause I know that theres only one person that knows what Im thinking... but anyway... Yeah. I dont know where I was going with this, so I think Im done. if i feel so inclined.. I might write more later...

Change, its constant; some times unnoticable, but its there...

Things, lately, are great. (thats aside from today when i got pissed cause im way to tired and mentally exhausted for school) Summer is going to be great. Im going to be able to spend more time with my friends, and hopefully have the best summer yet. Everything is going good, but I still have a feeling of something being wrong... Something isnt right. I hope that the gut feeling isnt anything big, I really do. Oh well, whatever comes will come, and ill just have to deal with it.

Thats one thing that I have learned to deal with in the last little while.. letting things happen and work themselves out. Things happen, and I know that Ive got to let them, to accept them, to deal with them. I am getting better, but change is still not something that I welcome with open arms, I still struggle, but I am working at it, and its getting better.

Oh, and I just want to say to you (you will know who you are) that I am very, very happy for you, happy that you have found someone. I just hope that you know that you're still my best friend, and that I hope you realize that I still exist! lol (jk)Anytime that you need or want to talk, or need anything, ever, Just give me a shout, and I will do my best :)
The thing that Im looking forward to the most, and its a shock to me, is leaving school behind. Im just tired of sitting there, day after day, bored out of my mind, staring at the clock, feeling like a prisoner... I just want summer to come, and to see dad, who I havent seen in months, to have a blast, and for the people that are leaving in the fall to remember me, and to remember them...

Late night rambles

Im glad that things are better patched up, but I know that they're still not back to being the same. Things are going to different, and I guess that i just need to deal with it... Problem is, i dont know if i can deal with change..

I need to clear my mind. I need to sleep. I need to make some changes. I need someone... I need to stop making everything worse. I need to think, but I also need to not think. I need to make decisions, and i need you to know that I need my you, my best friend. Im sorry, But i cant stand not talking to the one person that seems to understand me the most.

Let the past ignite, and memories burn.

Alone. Worthless. Lost.
That pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Theres nothing more that I really want right now than to just hang out with a friend and talk.. But apparently even that's too much. Right now it seems like there's noone here around me. Noone seems to want to hang out let alone talk, and its making me feel like dirt. And to make things just that much worse, im feeling like my best friend has drifted away. Heh.
Isn't life just great!?

Summertime is almost here =)

This weekend was great. The weather was awesome. My grandfather is (slowly) getting better, Mom comes home tomorrow. Everything just seems to be getting back to normal, like it was before...
Friday was slack at school, hung out with sam, then went to jared for the night... saturday got to go back to sleep after getting up early, went for a sussex trip, hiked, and had a blast, then got lots of sleep. Today i worked, but it was alright. Its still nice out, and it so much like summer that I just cant wait to be done with school. Even if i spend the majority of the summer in gagetown (like im planning) its still going to be a good summer. Ahhhh, I cant wait to be done with school!
Im hoping that everything will stay ok, that nothing crazy is going to happen...

Since im in a good mood, Im going to end it here. I dont want to get lost in thought, and end up digging at things that will wreck the best mood ive been in in a while. peace out.

Just putting down some thoughts.

This has gotten real old real fast. Im sick of this. Im sick of everything. More than once today I thought about packing all of my shit, and hoping on the next bus to Halifax. Its far away from everything thats causing my mysery. To get away from everything, and everyone.

Cut ties, from everyone. Move far away. Start over. A new life.

This though keeps poking its head up, and its starting to sound real good right now.

I give up. i just cant deal with this mess anymore.. and if something doesnt get better real soon then im going to end up losing the little bit that i have in this life.

We need more lemon pledge.

Focus... Something that I need to keep. I need to try harder to keep focused at school... and even sometimes when Im having a simple conversation with someone. Illl just zone right out and not hear anything that was said. I dont know how Im going to actually do so, but I have to try to. I think that there's just too much on my mind.. with the random everything, drama, my grandfather not doing the greatest. my other grandfather going into surgery sometime... Mom's gone for 2 weeks, Dads away sailing for another month and a half. school... the list goes on and on... Ugh.

I really dont know what else to write, because I didnt really have much of anything to write about to begin with... I just told Jared that I'd write a blog because he pointed out that noone has written in a while... yeah.

Thats all for now, I guess. Until next time.

Just some rambling thoughts...

Why does it hurt me so much to see others in pain? I hate this. I hate knowing how much it hurts. I hate not knowing what to say, i hate not being able to fix things... Ugh. I love and want to help so badly, but I dont know how, and it kills me. Eff.

This is gettting me nowhere, and times running out.

Corey needs to (besides stop refering to himself in third person) have a good, long, face to face, one on one talk. Along with this, he would like to know why he is plaigued with guit, frustration, worry, stress, and irritaaibility so often. Thank you, that is all.

Insert adjective here.

Tired. Frustrated. Alone. Ignored.
Im tired of caring so much. Im just... I dont know.
I feel like im between a rock and a hard place. and it sucks right now.

Im going to start off by saying thak you. Im glad that I got to have the nice talk that we did earlier. It made the both of us feel alot better about everything, and We learned alot. Im glad that I can help, in anyway, and whenever you need any help, Im here. Just give me a shout.

Anyway...... I feel so much better. Its amazing what a talk with a good friend can do for you. Today was rough, and it all seemed to be caused by somethign so simple and insegnificant... It really made me more frustrated that I was put in the disposition that I was in because it was so stupid. Oh well, thats in the past, it doesnt matter. Im sorry to anyone I was a dick to today, or ever. I hate being in a bad mood, I hate fighting, I hate thinking the way that I do, but it happens. Im sorry.

Well, thats all for now, Before I start ranting an getinto another mood. Ciao.

Time, where have you gone.

Im at a loss of reason to do things. I feel like the more I try to do, the worse things get. Its driving me crazy, not knowing what i should do or say. Do I go with my gut instinct, or do I go with what i know is the right thing to do, or do I just let things be. This is getting tough. I just want things to be normal... But I know that they cant. Talk. Words come out, things are voiced, but nothing seems to be heard anymore.

Hurt. I dont like to see people that I care greatly about being hurt, but it seems to happen more and more often. I try to help, but it just seems like that its making things worse, not helping at all. I try, and I really do to make things better, to ease the pain, to sheild, but it only seems worse thereafter. I dont know. I cant stand to see people that matter to me being hurt by anything.. it really bothers me. Maybe thats why I get so moody when i think too much about this... about my part in this. In some weird way, I think that this is partly my fault...

Anyway, Im sorry if i have hurt you, done anything to, or said anything to do so. I do feel a little better about some things though, and Im really glad that I was told what I was a few nights ago... made me really happy, and made me feel like less of an asshole.

oh well, Im done for now...

Dont believe everything happiness says

This week has been so up and down, Im really surprised that I dont have whiplash. Yesterday and today were better, but not the greatest. Better than Tuesday, and Wednesday. Wednesday was probably on of my worst days in a very long time... and I still cant figure out why. I guess that I just had alot on my mind, over worrying, over thinking, over stressing... Being alone did not help at all. Sometimes I just cant be here, sit here, alone... It was the first time in my life that I had every truely felt alone in a crowded room.

Oh well, todays a new day, at it gets me closer to next weekend. "Headless roosters, liquor, and more!" Oh that cracked me up. I cant wait. Gonna be a good time... the parts i remember anyway :)

Thats all I got for right now, I dont want to thikn too much and bring out the worst of myself.

Your time is here, your time is up; All my guilt is wearing off..

Theres way too much for me on the plate in front of me. The expression "Eyes too big for your belly" fit here, somewhere... but in a different sence. I bit off a tiny bit more than I can chew. I help, help help help, butit doent seem to do anyone a whole lot of good. Im getting too worried. Why? Maybe for the wrong or right reasons.. but whos to decide? I worry. Its who I am, and I care. But maybe im worrying and caring a little too much.

SSince when did a pop bottle cap give the best advice? I should have listened to it. But if I hadnt, things would be completely different, and Im guessing that it wouldnt be pretty. Theres just to much to think about, too much to concider. Too much to say not enough time, not enough courage. Time heals all wounds? Well thats a crock of shit, because with time things just seem to snowball and get worse. Things get better, then worse. one step forward, 2 steps back. its like a heart monitor; In the way that it goes up and down, at times fluxuating, and the only time that its in a constant state is death.

Im done for now, with the nonsence that most dont care about. Thats all this, and everything else is, nonsence. The sooner that I can convince myself of this, the sooner that I can be happy and feel better. But thats probably a long ways off from now...

Dont think it dont get to me; between the work and the hurt and the whisky

I dont know why Im so down today. I dont know if its the lost sleep, coming back to things I dont like, the winter, the drama, the realizations, thinking, or if its just a combination of everything. It just sucks, and I dont want to be in a bad mood. but I am.

The trip to Europe was a blast. We saw so much in the days there, but what I saw I will never in my life forget. I cant believe that I got to be in the coliseum, see the Vatican, Wander the streets of Florence, Drink the Lemon Cello of Capri, Visit the ruins of Pompeii, See the mountains of Greece, The Parthenon in Athens, along with so much more. I had so much fun, new friendships, and made old ones tighter, and I am glad that I got to experience this once in a lifetime trip.

Ok, back to venting.

Im tired of school. I just want to be done with this year. As much as I know that Im going to think different in a week, thats just how I feel right now. Im just really sick of the work and the drama. I also just, dont want to be home anymore. or ever again really. As bad as that sounds, its the truth. I dont know why (and its not like I have it rough or anything, cause theres really nothing that bad about here) but I just cant stand being here.
Im also feeling really alone right now, probably because for the last 11 days ive had maybe 30 minutes of alone time, and I was ok with that. Every time that Im alone, my mind wanders to places that it doesnt need to be. I think about things that I shouldnt, and it just leaving me more messed up that I already am. I just want to be around people right now. Someone. Anyone.

I feel really distant right now. Not like im being distant from everyone, but rather like everyone is just so far away, and Im being excluded. I hate that feeling (and i dont even really know why im feeling like this) and just want it to go away. Ughh. I just need to have a long talk about life, and everything. i think that would make me feel so much better. probably not going to happen today, so Ill just sit here and stare at the wall, hoping that by chance of miracle will give me some answers to questions that few people can answer..

All I can say is pain like that is fast, and it's rare

I really cant believe that in just 4 hours, I will be on a plane to Toronto. Then to Frankfurt. Then Rome. I am feeling so happy and excited, but at the same time, I just dont feel like going. I know that everyone is going say "Why would you not want to go?" but its more difficult than you might think. I just.. I dont want to leave right now. I feel like this has just came up so fast. Theres unfinished business. Theres loose ends. It just dont feel right, right now.

Ill get over it. Ill get on the plane. Ill have a good time. And Ill hope to god that everything will be fine when I get back. I hope that everyone else has a safe March break. Ill try to get on here to write, but i dont know when I will.

"When it hurts to look back, and you're scared to look ahead..."

Im actualy generally happy right now. Aside from the runny nose, painfull cough, and the stressing over europe and school. I hate, HATEHATEHATE being sick, because I feel like shit, lose all motovation to do anything, and it just plain SUCKS. I JUST WANT TO GET BETTER!!

Right now I cant stop listening to If Today Was Your Last Day, its just making so much sence to me right now. The lyrics are just speaking to me, and its making me feel more optomistic about almost everything. Im glad to be finally feeling better, for the most part.. Although there are points throughout the day where I still just want to crash and stop caring, everything is slowly getting put back to normal, the pieces are being put back into place, one by one. Im just praying that something like the mere wind wont make everything come tumbling down.. again.

I cant believe that in less than two days Ill be flying over the Atlantic, on my way to Europe. Im so excited, but at the same time, Im a little frustrated and down. I really am happy to be getting away from here for a while, but I am not looking forward to leaving behind the people that Im used to talking to every day. I dont know how Ill survive with out them, But I will.

Homework, I just can bring myself to do it tonight. I would rather still be out, basically anywhere but here. I dont know. Maybe if I was feeling better, I might atleast make an attempt. No, its not going oto happen. instead Im going to go to bed, and hiope to feel better by morning. Like thats going to happen.

"...You can look beside you, and your best friend will be there"

Thanks again for the help, with everything. Im here for you, whenever you need.

I just dont care right now

I dont know whats up with me right now, but i just really want to talk, but that not exactly possible seeing as im fucking stuck her ealone. Im so frustrated with everything and everyone, Im just at the point where Im ready to freak out at soomeone. I want to, butI dont want to make anyone mad at me. Everything is just irritating me, and I sdont know why. I just dont understand how I can get sat off like this over nothing. Nothing.

Fuck life, and everything to do with it.

Everything will change, but love remains the same

For a whole week, it would be nice to get sufficient sleep. I havent had any good sleep in a long time, and its starting to get the better of me. I dont know whats wrong, but I know that there has to be something... Waking up multiple times almost every night panting in a cold sweat isn;t usually a good thing. maybe it would help if I could remember what it was that I was dreaming, but I cant. Ive tried to think back, so many times, but theres just nothing.

I hate days like this, and as much as laying in bed all day is relaxing, its boring as hell. Right now I would much rather be donig something, anything, besides this. Im so bored, but Im too lazy to get my ass out and do something. Im just a walking mental case. Meh.

Until thoes rainy days ruin all your beach time, and your damned lies

Lately Ive been thinking a lot about the good old days. I miss them so much... Like the boardgames, the hanging out in the halls for hours doing nothing, creatures, out back, hide and go seek in the dark... the things we did when we were young were so much fun, and I really miss it. I really miss hanging out with you guys (JW, JE, KE)... We never really get to do anything anymore. We used to be so close, but now it just seems that were not who we used to be. I know that we all still share some interest and stuff, but its not the same. I know that i have changed so much in the last year or so... I don't know. I just keep thinking about all of the the stupid things that we did, the fights, the laughs, and everything, and it puts a smile on my face.
Forgive me for feeling nostalgic. Ha.

You made it right, but you didn't make it better

Today, I feel as though everything that is happening in my life is just there. Theres nothing thats standing out as great, or stupid, but its just all dull and gray. I need to start taking the advice that Im giving. Stop worrying. Its going to be ok. Dont let it get to you. Its nothing.

I need to stop taking everything so seriously. When Im talking to someone, half the time Im not truly paying attention anymore. I feel terrible for it, but it just happens. Instead of paying attention to the content thats spewing from your mouth, Im too busy paying attention to how its said, body language, and subtle hints. I have, need to stop that. Its just not helping anything, and its leading to me making a big deal out of everything thats insignificant. It just sucks.

I need you like a penny needs a wishing well

All I ever seem to do anymore is worry, stress, and overcomplicate everything. Its not like Im not haveing fun, Its just that when the day is over, and theres noone around, my mind gets fucked up. [Insert meaningless rambles here] Fuck. I just wish that I could be happy while Im alone, like I used to. I used to love my alone time, but lately, I hate it. I hate hate hate being alone, and its slowly eating away at me.

I would totally write more, but Im exhausted, and going to try to sleep.

I wish i had a reason
My flaws are open seanson
For this I gave up trying
One good time deserves my dying

:) this song makes me so happy

Dont think I dont think about it.

Excuse the following, im just not happy.



I dont know what is wrong with me, and its driving me mad. My apetite is fucked up, I keep feeling sick, I feel guilty for things that I know that I shouldnt, I havent really slept a whole night without waking up in over a month. I feel like Im not trying hard enough, like im not doing enough. Im just generally unhappy. Before this week, I tried to put on a happy face, so that noone would worry about me. I just gave up, because it was making me feel worse.



Guilt and overthough seem to rule my being right now. I just keep replaying the same thoughts in my head, over and over and over and over. Its gotten to the point where I just dont want to deal with it. I know that Im going to have to, and that this isnt just something thats going to go away... But I dont even fully understand the problem. Theres bits and pieces, but they never see, to fit, or even add up.



Stop listening to everything so skeptically. Stop taking everything that everyone says so literally. Think about the good that going to come. Everything will be ok. Have trust and faith. Dont let yourself get caught up in business thats not yours. Let go.

I better get to sleep. Work comes early.

Misery loves it's company

There is a problem here, with our society.
The absence of my tears is my sobriety.
I have a growing fear and you're not helping me.
Am I the only one who realizes it's true?

This verse just seems to describe how I feel at this point in time. Im feeling paranoid, scared, and guilty. ... There's only one person who will completely understand where Im going with this, but I feel the need to let it out.

I dont know why I think about it, because I have no reason to. I dont know why I just cant convince myself that everything will be ok, than nothing bad is going to happen. Nothing bad is going to happen, and everything WILL be ok. I just cant seem to shake the thought from my mind. I felt better after explaining what I feel on monday, but then today it fucking came back. I dont even think that the actual thought is whats bothering me the most, but the fact that Im even THINKING it to begin with and its frustrating as hell. I just need to keep trying to reassure myself that its nothing, nothing, nothing, nothing. It really is nothing, and it really is driving me insane.

Anyway, its 1 am, and I should probably get SOME sleep, and then maybe I will be able to concentrate long enough to decypher my homework in the morning.

Let your light shine through me.
Take this hate I can't release.
Help me make the blind see.
Misery loves its company...


G'night.

The truth is better kept and left untold, you dont want to know.

I dont know what the fuck is up with me today... But I think it may have something to do with anexiety. When i went to work, as soon as I got in there I started to feel angry, tired, sick, and irritated. Within the first hour I was almost ready to tell some customers wher to take their coffee and donut and shove it... And I feel like a huge asshole for some of the things Ive texted tonight. All night I just couldnt stop thinking about everything. How everything is just taking me and twisting me around. I couldnt even concentrate on something. I got so angry that I almost lost it. And the worst part of this is, it want even brought on by anything in perticular. i think that its time for a change of scenery, and pace. I need to find a new job, i need to get my licence, and the most important one, I need to stop caring so god damned much. The smallest, most insignificant things send me over the edge, and one day Im just going to snap...

Im beginning to realize just how much of a negative person I can be. Almost all the time my problems begin from my mind turning everything into bad. If Im not with people, sometimes even when they're around, I only think about the bad things that come from things. Like right now, the people that I wanna be around right now are busy or working. Im thinking about how lonley I am and how bored I am going to be... When I should be thinking theres all kinds of people on line to talk to, theres over 30 movies here for me to watch, I can go for a nice relaxing walk, theres things I need to do, Applications I need to fill out... But I tend to not. It sucks. If anyone knows of a method that will help me with this problem, I would greatfully appreciate you letting me in on it. Please?

Another problem that I need to deal with is the past. I need to stop dwelling over the choices that Ive made, Things Ive said, and whats happened. "What If" seems ro cross my mind more and more often, and I know that I really do not want to know. I just dont. I must have said and done something right, because I am living a pretty good life right now. I have people to love and people that love me. I have a family that loves me and stands behind the choices I make, whatever they be. Friends that back me up and are there for me. And I couldnt ask for any greater. I need to realize that the past IN THE PAST, and thats where its going to stay. The future is ahead of me, and thats where I need to keep focused, however scarry it may be.

On another note, I want to thank you (you know who you are) for letting me in, and letting me help you. It makes me feel better, because you have helped me beyond anything I could do for you. So... Thank you.

Now for a word from our sponser

A thought Just came to my mind:
Im forever thinking about how much it sucks that I worry way too much about everything and everyone, stress about nothing, over think, and just feel crazy... But What Would I do If I didnt have to deal with that? What would it be like? Would I still have the same outlook, ethics, or even be the same me? Probably not. Life would be way more boring than it already is, and I dont think that Im ready or willing to deal with that. Sadly enough.

There, thats what I was just thinking about.

If I got what I wanted, I'd probably lose what I've had.

Yeah, so. Thinking that life would be so much simpler and better if I could....
Sleep more...
Focus on something without making it too meaningfull or lose meaning entirely...
Stop thinking negative...
Get a hobby...
Cut somethings out of my life...
Listen more to my Mom and grandparents...
Tell people what they need to know, not what they want to...
Do something better every day besides sit on my bed and facebook my life away...
Read more...
Vent more often...
Stop letting stupid, small, insignificant things get me to the point of almost falling apart...
Worry less...
Figure out what exactly I want in, and from life...


Well, today Ive hypervenelated twice, teared up once, and felt really faint and sick. Someone wanna tell me what the FUCK is wrong with me? Cause Im tired of trying to figure it out for myself,

Nothing to gain, everything to fear

Everything seems to go so great, everything falls right into place for a little while. Only for that little while, a secondminutehourdayweekmonthyear is everything so good that it feels almost perfect. But deep down inside, you know that its not perfect, that theres something hidden deep down that will eventually lead to the destruction of of the great moment in time. Weather its in your mind, your gut, or in your heart, you know it. Sometimes you may ignore it, others you listen.(I don't quite know who this all ties to the rest, but I just wrote as I thought, and this is what came out of it) But in the end, how do you know that the choice you made is the best choice?

I, being someone who thinks way too much about the unimportant details in life, have been thinking long and hard the last few nights about this. i think it was just Saturday night that I was asked, while in a slightly drunken state, about how we know that we've done the right things in our lives, and how would we know if they were the wrong. I didn't really comprehend at that second, but I did think about it.

What were to happen if we really could see into a universe where everything is exactly the same as it is in the actual one, aside from one choice that you made. What would be the outcome? Would everything still be mostly the same, or would everything be royally fucked up to the nth power? Ive though about this, as I said, and I don't think that i would want to know. Even though I spend many, MANYMANYMANYMANYMANYmanymanymany nights dwelling on the past and asking 'what if?', I would not want to see what life would be life after making different choices. I couldn't bare to see that maybe i would be so much happier without the friends and simple pleasures that I value so much. I just wouldn't want to know. Right now, at this point in time, and although i feel fucked in the head, and may not have the best life at times, I am happy with my life.

This brings me to another thing that I though about before drifting off into a slumber last night. ill give a bit of an explanation.. Last night we decided that we were going to play a drinking game. I never. Playing this game, a simple game, made me realize that i am so much more comfortable with my friends now than I ever have been. We talked about anything and everything, and now I know all there is to know about my two best friends(I love all of my friends and am close with more than a few people, but above all, Sam and Jared have been there for me the most in these last few months when I needed someone to lean on), and the same for them about I.

I hope that you guys really know how much you have helped me out since the first of the school year, and I hope that you also know how grateful i am. i honestly don't know what I would have done, but i know that i don't want to know, because I'm better off, and I'm at a better point in life, no matter how tough the going gets. Ill know that i will have you there for me, And I hope that you know that I'm here whenever, where ever, why ever, and however you need me.

Cue the tiresome mixed up thoughts;

Why do I continually let myself think about things until I get so worked up about them that I'm on the verge of a panic attack? It just keeps happening again and again, and Its really frustrating. Simple things shouldn't get to me the way that they do. Lately its been messing up my sleep, appetite, mood, and probably other things that I have failed to notice, and that's just leading to more stress, on top of exams and thoughts of university, a new job and getting in shape for the military.

In the last few days Ive been thinking aobut my relationship status (or lack thereof) and how I reel like every time that I like someone, I think mainly about the cons, and never go anywhere with it, and then when I feel up to it, its too late. Although Im not currently into anyone, the next time that I do like someone, Im just going to go for it and ask her out. (No, I dont like anyone... just sayin)

Gah I hope that after next week things will go back to being a little more normal. Maybe its just exams that are pusing my normal problems to the breaking point, maybe its that i havent figured out a solution for working if theres a snow day next week, maybe its the thoughts of not doing anything this weekend at all besides work. I dont know, but Im hoping that it goes away, very soon at that.

Wll, i feel that thatsa big enough dose of my thoughts for one day,
Until next time.

The way that I've felt in the past few months has been really weird. Its hard to describe... sort of like a feeling of guilt, mixed dread and fear. I still have yet to figure out why, but I think that I may have some ideas. I keep letting my mind wander to where my life is headed. I keeping playing scenarios over and over in my mind, waiting for the right one... And it seems that almost every day that graduation looms closer, I think more and more about what everyone is going to be doing, and how everyone is taking their seperate paths. I just want to find a path that involves the people who Im closest to. I never want to let them go. I know that this sounds a little weird, but I just dont want to be left alone; and it doesnt help that its one of my biggest fears.
Im so sick of sitting here almost every day, wasting my life on facebook, waiting for replies to stupid text messages. Why does it matter. Why does any of the stupid, daly drama that we face matter at all? If anyone has an idea, PLEASE let me in.

I dont know. Im starting to feel down, and thats not how I want to finish off my birthday.
Until next time...

A new year, a new beginning, a new me.

I need to learn from my mistakes, and move on. Im done, and now Im going to move on. Im growing so tired of this sitting and waiting. I know that I havent told you that I have feelings for you, but It would just be too complicated even if... Yeah. Im going to work on getting over you, and finding someone else.

Im going to work toward the goals that Im setting for myself, and Im going to achieve them. Im hoping that my friends and family will be here for me, because I will more than likely need a push, or even a kick. I need to hurry up, and make the decisions that matter, I need to be more staright forward with others, as well as myself. I need to find a path, map it out, and follow it. Maybe I will follow it exactly, or maybe Ill take a few wrong turns, detours, shortcuts, but the destination will stay the same.

I need to stop over thinking every tiny detail. I need to focus more on the big picture. I need to change a few things, and make myself a better person. I do concider myself to be a good friend, and generally a good person. But that's not good enough. I need to be nicer, help more, do better, and listen more.

In short, these are my newyears resolutions. find someone else. Get a new job. Join the reserves. Be a better friend/son/grandson. Think less about the things that dont matter, and more on the things and people that do. I hope to achieve them. This is the first time that I have actually thought long and hard about this, and I hope that it will work out as I plan.

I think that I have rambled on for long enough. Untill next time.